Fame.

I had to write a few obituaries for my newswriting class today- just finished writing Madeleine Albright's obit, which is tough since she isn't dead yet. Man, she has had a pretty interesting life. It was fun to learn about it, and if I had some extra time on my hands I would like to read up on her a bit more. Maybe over Christmas break. She has a new book out, entitled "The Mighty and the Almighty". Sounds interesting, and probably a decent read. I can't get over famous people. They have so much power sometimes- depending on the person, I guess. I can't help but think what would happen if people like Madeleine Albright or, say, Oprah, were Christian? I'd say there's probably a good chance that neither of them are, but then again I don't know for sure. Today in his sermon, PT talked about God's wisdom- basically He knows everything about us - and He loves us anyway, which is pretty cool. PT talked about successes, and, even when no one sees the good we do and we don't get credit for it, God sees it. Comforting, since sometimes I feel that the work I (and the rest of us in crusade) do goes unnoticed and unthanked. It's pathetic how self-centered I can be, and how much I do with the wrong motives. Ever since I was little I always wanted to be famous. I mean, not like movie star famous (but if it happened, it'd be ok :] ) but just famous- I wanted people to know me. I want to be known. And it's really awesome that someone CAN know me so well, probably even better than myself (that'd be God). Even my roommies...I mean, we spend a lot of time together and are close friends, but I will never know everything about Joy Lys or Jules. And they'll never know everything about me. But God will, which is actually kind of scary. These thoughts were running through my mind today during the rest of the service and afterwards. I haven't really given up my insane desire to be famous. It sounds funny, but still at times I slip into the mood that my worth comes from how many people know me and like me. Even something little like seeing a vaguely familiar face on campus, and that person says "hey amy" and I have no idea how I know them, or better, how they know me. And then I realize they know me from CRU since I'm up on stage and I think, man, maybe I'm more popular than I think (because I'm not popular). So you see, it's tricky. Let's bring this full circle. I want to be famous. I can't deny it. I want to be known by a lot of people and have someone write my biography and name a building after me and build me a monument. I want to be famous like Madeleine Albright. And I know it probably will never happen, but it's something I've wanted all my life, so it's a bit hard dealing with those feelings. Because those have changed. I want to be a servant- I don't have a servant's heart, but I want one because I know it's what I should do. I guess it comes down to the fact that I'm a walking contradiction.