ironic...

yesterday i blogged about purpose in life.
i was on my way to work today and i almost got hit by a train.
how's that for weird!? it was a pretty scary moment. i've done some stupid things in my life, but lately i've had a lot of those experiences --
mid june- brasil, almost got hit by semi-type-truck
end of sept- home, near car accident with huge tractor
mid dec -near hit by train

i don't know what god's keeping me alive for, but it's gotta be pretty cool.

purpose.

If you looked at my life now now and compared it to what it was in high school, it's 100% more purposeful now. Mostly everyone who knows me really well now didn't know me then, so it's hard for them to see the change that has occured in my life - but, nonetheless, making Christ part of my life, and slowly learning what it means to make my life his, has greatly changed my perspective on a lot of things. And I'll forever be grateful to God for that.

As I look to starting next semester, my final year of college, I can't help but think about the scary crazy adventure that awaits after graduation. The 'Real World!' Who knew one existed? I caught a glimpse this summer after project. And I liked what I saw.

There's a lot I think about concerning my future - lately I've been wondering if I'll be able to keep my mind on that purpose. You can't serve both God and Money, which might be one of my biggest struggles. I like to compare and compete with others. I care about material things. I always want the best, newest thing out there. I don't ever get it because I realize (luckily before I actually get to the point of buying it) that I don't need it, and really don't want it. Anyway - I just don't want to get corrupted. The business world isn't normally one for befriending others. People in it aren't there to help each other or their fellow man. Am I ready for this?

review.

the next few posts will probably be summaries of my semester (and year). mainly just some random thoughts that I am trying to sort out on paper...kind of. there are a few reasons i haven't been blogging much:

1. little/no time for it
2. not wanting to disclose things online
3. some stuff takes forever to explain in typing
4. my friends tease me about it

the last one is kind of a big deal - not that they tease me about being a dork (because i blog), which we all know is true (that i'm a dork, but not for blogging). i digress.

i don't just randomly spout stuff off to just anyone, or even close friends. this is how my brain works= have a thought...ponder it a long, long time...finally when i can get it out in words, i'll tell someone...then i can move on in a sense...and i probably won't mention it again. - but by blogging stuff, i get it out and then just don't talk about it much. i kind of forget that i never told anyone...lol. hence me not really talking about things i blog about to my friends, which isn't so great. and if they are reading this i hope they are mad i didn't tell them this before blogging it, lol! i don't think any of my roommates read this, tho, so i'm probably safe.

that's enough insight into the mind of amy. i'm kind of just killing time before i can go to bed. that time is here. g'night!

apples & oranges

hopefully i didn't scare the roommies too much tonight ... my temper came out and i started throwing apples and oranges at the trees outside the FH, as was their suggestion. it helped. i am not handling the stress in my life in a god-honoring way at all. add that to the list of annoying things that happened this semester that i really didn't want to happen. bleh.

leadership

tonight instead of one last leadership meeting we ate some Chinese at the Hyv together. It was a real good time. I've been so blessed by God to have the friends I do- and a great support system like the students on the leadership team. it was so nice to hang out with the leadership and not talk about any businessy crusade stuff. we talked about a LOT of random stuff...

• cheating the system by having kids during college to get reduced tuition
• the possibility of adopting a 24 year old to get reduced tuition
• the fact that kids can be brats no matter how you raise 'em
• getting our mouths washed out with soap when we were little
• unsafe toys we played with when we were little
• causes of obesity (genetic/hereditary v. learned behavior/parenting)
• the fact that fischer price play people have even gotten bigger since we were little...

yup. pretty random. :]

job market!

The baby-boomers. A great generation that might drain my income for the rest of my life, unless we do actually get some social security reform. But the large amount of those people born between 1946 and 1964 (my parents included) will benefit those of us in Gen Y (or is there a more recent name for us?).

"For the first time in many years, a Bureau of Labor Statistics analysis finds that total college-level job openings between 1998 and 2008 will nearly equal the number of college-educated entrants to the labor force. And a primary reason is the large number of retirements expected from workers at the leading edge of the "baby boom" generation who are in college-level jobs. The shift in balance will help shrink the total number of college graduates expected to end up in noncollege-level jobs or be unemployed to about 7 percent between 1998 and 2008, down from 14 percent over the previous decade."

SaWEET!

"In addition to encountering a more favorable job market, college graduates usually enjoy other benefits associated with more education. Notably, college graduates as a whole have lower unemployment and higher median earnings than do less-educated members of the labor force. In 1998, the strong economy was reflected in a low overall unemployment rate of 4.5 percent. College graduates fared better than that average, with unemployment of just 1.9 percent, and even better than the average of 4.9 percent for high school graduates. In terms of median earnings, college graduates earned about $41,000 in 1998, compared with the $23,000 that high school graduates earned--a premium of 78 percent.

Good prospects for college-level jobs, lower unemployment rates, and higher median earnings are strong incentives for attending college. Nevertheless, prospective students should consider other factors, such as which occupations will offer the most college-level jobs and which jobs are tailored to a student's particular skills and aptitudes. Nature of the work, earnings, and advancement potential vary by occupation, even among college-level jobs.

To understand the future job market for college graduates, it is important to consider past trends. Reporting historical data is of little value, however, without an explanation of how those data are derived. This section begins by describing the BLS approach to determining the college graduate job outlook, then examines data from the 1998 market."

the rest of the article is here - pretty interesting (to me): http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m1155/is_3_44/ai_65540674

give it time

how good are these lyrics from the awesome jon mclaughlin--

Quiet landslide when nobody knows
Regretted decisions that nobody chose
Under water and sinking fast
No way out, no way to get back
What might have been is lost in the past


Just give it time
It's gonna get better
Now is not forever at all
Just give it time
Everything changes
Tomorrow comes today will be gone
Everything's gonna be fine
Just give it time, give it time

work!

we don't have class tomorrow (yay observed holidays!) so i'm hanging out watchin tv and giving a guitar lesson. just chillin' thinking about life. i am also trying to write a paper that's due tuesday but i'm distracted by the thought of work tomorrow. we have a lot of big orders this time of year that need to be filled, so it's going to be really busy, which i love. and i get to work all day so that means almost double the money i made last week, which is benefitial.

so now i'm thinking to years from now when i will be able to chill on a sunday night and prep for a week of work that i will hopefully love. i'm getting to the point in my college career where i'm ready to be done with homework assignments and papers and tests. i wanna be in the 'real world.'

pretty sure in 5 years i'll be reminiscing about my college days, wishing i was back at the FH hanging with the girls on a friday night. life is going to be crazy busy outside of college, too, but i'm thinking it's a different kind of busy. we'll see. i'm excited for it either way!

amy remember this.

Amy-

this is a note to yourself. sometimes life might suck. but, it will begin to suck less. then it will get good. then it might suck again.

but there will be those times that it will get really, really good. and then you'll remember the sucky times and think "yeah...that sucked. but it was worth it to get to this point. definitely worth it."

and even if you think things won't ever get better -- think where you might be without Christ in your life right at this second. anything you're ever going to go through is going to be way better than your best day in your life when you didn't have Him. for sure.

Amy

one more.

i wanted to add one to the list below-

my HR prof
"If it looks walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you're going to get sued."

priceless.

quotable.

Ohhh I love when people say things that can be taken the wrong way. Or when people say things that just sound funny and make you think about what they probably meant to say, causing you to totally miss out on everything else they said.

1. A librarian that met w/one of my classes to teach us how to research. Yep, I'm a senior, I know how to use the library there, Al. What kept me from ditching the class was the fact that I knew Al knew a lot of big words, but tended to get really excited about research and flub up. Words he used included:
"Pamplets" (pamphlets. those silent h's are tricky)
"Gigarntuin" (gigantuin - but not...)
"Literatly" (literally)

2. I overheard some fun things the other day. Students, Professors - anyone can say something that can be taken the wrong way, or show how much they are not thinking about how they are sounding:
"I start wearing shoes when I see snow." (good luck when it's 0 degrees)
"The main reason we should switch to the metric system is that it's easier to add and subtract from 0 than it is from 32." not going to touch that one.
"If it's legal, it's ethical." - b school dean. hmm...
My Broadcast Prof-
"It's not a good idea to break the rules. You can bend them, but they might lead you away in handcuffs."
"The Augustana sports scene - that's what USD calls intramurals."
My Econ Prof-
"I now use Wikipedia more than I should. But I never leave any evidence."
"I've been a student longer than most of you have been alive."

Well it's been awhile to say the least. Life has been so flippin' hectic these past few weeks. I'm not even going to get into it.

Lately my time in the word has been next to nothing. Here and there I'll get a bit of encouragement from church or Bible study. But I've been realizing hardcore that those things are suppliments to my spiritual growth; If I don't have solid time w/God at least every other day, I won't grow. Actually, I've found myself backslidding into habits that I once thought I could never overcome. I did overcome them after time. And then I fell back into them because I didn't have adequate fellowship this summer, or time in the word or a prayer life at all. I hate that I have to learn the power of God's Word in my life the wrong way- by leaving it out of my life.

Today was a good day, the first in awhile. I have amazing friends who seek after the Lord and are always encouraging and challenging me in my faith. I don't often hang around non-Christians, but when I do, I tend to realize again how lucky I am I've found the source of ultimate joy, love, peace, hope and forgiveness.

Last night was Vespers. Always a highlight of the week; usually it's the best part. Last night was no different. And after a crappy weekend, it was the thing I needed. I went into practice very mad, almost to the point of tears, pretty much wanting to throw a pitty-party for myself. Instead I was able to focus on the words that were sung. I took them to heart. And it made a huge difference.

Tonight I was on the way home, flipping radio channels in search of something good. I often listen to the radio a lot more when I have a MCOM radio class- last semester I had Audio Production, and this semester, Broadcast News, of which radio news is a part. I digress. I settled on LIFE 96.5 FM, a station I would be more inclined to make fun of than listen to.

But they had this guy talking about making Christ the number one thing in your life, and it's something I have been trying to do for the past few weeks. Last week I finally understood that I can't get everything done in a day that I would like to, so I need to just give up my day to the Lord and do what He wants me to.

More on this later, I'm sure, as I forget this and try to put things that I think are 'urgent' ahead of those that are actually important.

day one.

My first day of class today, and it went pretty well. I have some decent prof's that should keep me awake during class, and interesting textbooks that will definitely keep me occupied on weekends. I'm managing a consignment store in downtown vermillion as a part of SIFE with a few other undergrads. I'm excited for the challenege; our advisor called it a make or break year for Charlie's Closet. It's my intention to make it- and hopefully do better than just breaking even, but we'll see. The first Cru meeting is tomorrow and I've got some great help that is ready for another year to begin. More to come this weekend.

Fall.

I'm pretty pumped for beginning another year at USD, especially with Crusade. Just got off two days full of vision casting/logistical planning/time in the word/sweet fellowship with leadership team and much more. I can't wait to see what God's going to do at the U. From 9/1 to 10/10 we are focusing specifically on the college students and campuses of the world. USD has decided to have one leadership team member fast each day of the 40 days. I've never fasted before and I'm pretty excited to trust God with how this all is going to work. Another challenge is how many conversations we are trusting God to initiate over 40 days. The talk is 250 for USD. This is huge. We have 11 student leaders and an even smaller Servant Team, so we are mega-hard-core trusting God to give us opportunities, boldness, and time to do this. Finally, another challenge is funding. We have something like $0 except for what the students pledged to give last year. Lately God has given me a heart for helping others partner with USD Crusade in reaching our college students. This might mean others in Vermillion, at Hillside, even possibly at my home church. That's a post for another day.

Basically, I'm pumped. It's encouraging that He's given me several things over the course of this summer to help me get a lot accomplished this year: 1- a great job in which I can earn enough money to cover my needs without having to work all the time. 2- specific skills in ministry on campus, especially in sharing my faith. 3- a sincere desire to share my faith. first time ever, really. 4- the ability to step away from my projects and train others to lead. 5- probably the biggest thing- the Gospel is central to all I do in ministry and life. Even if I'm hanging up posters or walking to class or assembling driveway alarms, the Gospel is important in each situation.

My biggest concern is having the time I need to get everything done while having a flourishing walk with the Lord. Right away, as I bring this concern to Him, He's showing me that my plans I spend so much time on are sometimes not a part of His plan. That's ok - what He wants me to do, I will do and I can't do much more than that.

18 hours in 4 days.

I went to milwaukee last weekend. It was a pretty great time. Friday night I left from work and stayed the night in Des Moines with Melissa. It was so fun to see her and catch up on life. I almost locked my keys in my car, but I did not.

Saturday I drove to Iowa City and caught up with Trevor (from Brazil) and Nick, his roommate. We got to Milwaukee about 330 and tailgated with about 10 others from both Brazil project this summer and last years' NMB project. It poured basically the whole time. We went to the Brewers/Reds baseball game, which was inside (luckily). Afterward we hung out at Starbucks and talked a little Brazil project 'gossip' (it was more like current news and events happening to those we had talked to and those present). Trevor, Nick and I spent the night at Andy's house north of Milwaukee (Mequon).

Sunday morning we headed to Andy's church after sleeping in, ate lunch with Andy and his g/f Molly at a bagel shop and headed out to Racine to visit Grant & Amy. After a few wrong turns/missed exits and forking over several dollars at the crazy Illinois tollways on the Interstate, we got back to IC at 730. It took me two hours to get back to DM.

Monday morning I visited Melissa's old apt. and then left for home. It was nice to be in the driver's seat for the last 3 hour leg of the journey- I could jam to b.dill and matt wertz, and I don't get motion sick while driving, which is awesome. All in all, it was a pretty great weekend. Fun to catch up with Brazil people! I sometimes forget that I spent 6 whole weeks in Sao Paulo...crazy.

I have decided that this weekend I'm staying put-- two weekends' ago I spent 10 hours in 3 days in the car, and last weekend it was 18 hours in 4 days. I love road trips, but am looking forward to staying around the FH this weekend!

paradise to parking lot

I don't think very much about the power of the word of God - sharper than any two-edged sword, etc. I realize it a bit more after not having it in my life for a short period of time, which is too bad. That's basically how I live my life- I never understand something until it doesn't matter anymore; I never appreciate something until it's gone. It's kind of annoying.

Anyway, it was obvious to me when I started reading my Bible that it is powerful and can actually change lives. It began to change mine. The effects of not spending solid time in the word has been evident these past few weeks especially. Couple that with spending a majority of my time alone and with non-christians and I'm back to where I was in high school. Scary.

work stories.

The following are some (paraphrased) funny telephone calls we've received at work the past week:

"I live in Orlando, uh, Florida (ohh, Florida, not Virginia...) and I need a driveway alert system. I have a very long driveway...uh, 240 feet and I need to know when people are coming up it. Well, I guess it's long for us here in the big city but probably not for you, right?"

-man from Orlando (FL)

"Yeah, I have one of your alert systems and it works real well. It's just great. I have the outside part by the driveway and then the thing inside beeps when a car comes up the drive and I love it. I also have the portable receiver that alerts me when I'm working in my garden. Just great. But I think I need another receiver by the pool. I like to know when someone's coming up the drive when I'm swimming because I don't always have a suit on."

-Tennessee-an woman

"Well I just got an alert system about a month ago and had my handyman install it and it worked fine right away. It picked up the cars coming in and out, but then it started going off at odd times. It went off at 11, 12 at night. I thought it was probably a deer, or most likely a bear, but then I got scared when I realized it could have been a car."

-woman from North Carolina

"Your catalogue says if I need help, all it takes is a phone call, so I called you for help. I got my system in March and it's been working great- until today. I brought everything inside with me and I changed the battery and (man walks past transmitter and chimes go off in background). Huh. Would you look at that. (Man walks back past transmitter and chimes go off again). I guess all it takes is a phone call."

-man from Northeast

quote from Josh McDowell.

"What you are as a single person, you will be as a married person, only to a greater degree. Any negative character trait will be intensified in a marriage relationship, because you will feel free to let your guard down -- that person has committed himself to you and you no longer have to worry about scaring him off."

For awhile now I have been believing this crazy lie that my life is going to all of a sudden be perfect when I meet the man I'm supposed to spend the rest of my life with - that I won't ever struggle with some of the things I struggle with now. Which is pretty crazy because some things- like loneliness for example- I'll still feel that after I'm married for sure, but maybe in different ways. Anyway, this is just a good few sentences to keep in mind.

culture shock.

Saturday I experienced some random culture shock that is pretty funny to me...


Alyssa dropped me off at Latte Da after we listed to country music on the 20 minute air-conditioned drive into Vermillion in her car. I told her to have fun at work and didn't kiss her good-bye. I walked into an empty coffe shop. When a cashier surfaced she took my order in English and in record time. She made my change while I still had my wallet out. And, while I waited for her to whip up my Carmel Nut Heaven, I read a short article on the MN Viking's Pre-Season worries- in English. Finally, she brought my drink out to me in like two minutes and thanked me- in English.


Pretty much none of this would ever happen to me in Brazil, lol.

sisters.

I just want to document the fact that I have some pretty awesome girl friends. I was just thinking of them today and how great they are, how much they care about me. I talked with like 5 of them in a span of 3 hours tonight which was fun because I'm chillin' alone in the FH tonight.

They just rock! I can't believe what great relationships I have with them and how much they teach me and bless me probably without knowing it. They are truly like sisters to me and it doesn't matter that we'll part ways soon because I know we'll be friends for a long, long time.

That all sounds really corny and cliche but it's so true. :]

second call.

[this is kind of part two of the post right after this one (but before this post in terms of the date)].

I've been reading 'The Ragamuffin Gospel' since I've been back from Brasil. I love this book. In my current venture through the 200 page paperback, I've pulled even more from it than in previous readings, and have been able to better apply it to my life, which is always a good thing. Recently I read a chapter towards the end entitled 'A Second Call' (which I read this past week after hearing the sermon on first loves. God was definitely trying to get through to me this week).

Brennan Manning talks about a crises of Faith Hope and Love in this chapter- several things stuck out to me:
1. Routine makes things dead. Each day is new. 'The moment I think I understand is the moment I don't understand.'
2. 'If our faith is going to be criticized, let it be for the right reasons.' Not because we are emotional or passionate but that we are not emotional or passionate enough.
3. Christianity doesn't deny the reality of evil and suffering.
4. Our God's love is not dignified at all. And that's the way He expects our love to be. Manning describes His love as even embarassing at times- God wants the same from us. And even for us to love others in the same embarassing way.
5. God 'expects more failure from me than I expect from myself.'
6. 'The Christian with depth is the person who has failed and has learned to live with it.'
7. 'The real challenge of Christian growth is the challenge of personal responsibility.'

That's a lot of heavy stuff. Perhaps the 7th idea sticks out to me the most- while the others are all things that I understand, or have no heard, or know I don't have a clue about, the final statment on growth has been evident in my life this summer, and it's something I've come to realize through both things I've accomplished, and things I haven't but have wanted to.

That's a really long sentence. Basically, I've been growing a lot in the area of personal responsibility and while I still have a lot of growing left to do, it will hopefully take place over the rest of my life in due time.

first love.

Last week at Hillside one of the elders gave the message since PT was on vacation- he told the congregation he was interested in preaching about something he is currently struggling with-- thus losing his first love. It was one of those moments where you blink hard and say to God- Wow, that's perfect timing on your part. Touché.

Apparently the only place the phrase 'first love' shows up in the NT is in Revelation. Interesting. Any way, the passage (2:1-7) is written to the church in Ephesus and can kind of be broken down in to two parts: 1- Good stuff they do, and 2- stuff they are forgeting. The parts are separated by the conjunction 'but.' The speaker made the point that when you give someone a compliment and then say 'but ...' they often just focus on the part after the but.

So forgeting your first love. Chances are this has probably happened to any Christian at least once in a small degree. It's happened to me in a small scale this summer. Every since project I've been very apathetic towards growing in my walk, reading my Bible, etc. Oops. And this coming from someone who just went on a 6 week missions trip overseas. I basically let myself slack off and think I went 6 weeks with steady, solid growth- what's two or three weeks? I deserve time off. Time off? I seem to have made a silly excuse that because I am not provided specific times for prayer and time with the Lord and evangelism, it's ok to not do any of that so I can have some 'me' time. Wow.

yes, again...

i was at work the other day assembling IRs and i grabbed some battery wire thingers, which are bound by a rubber band in groups of like 50 and they were flopping all over so I grabbed the buddle with both hands...and all i could think about was the fact that they resembled a bouquet of wedding flowers. ah! what's wrong with me! seriously. maybe it's the fact that everyone i know seems to be getting engaged or married ... or whatever. anyway, i finally figured out the colors that i like...turquoise for dresses, cream flowers? maybe pomegranate colored flowers. hm these are actually kind of similar to the colors on this page. odd. anyway, i think i've got some time to decide...

finally- a decent job.

I recently learned that I am good at monotonous tasks. And wireless driveway alarms are really cool.

My new job is to assemble them from 9-5. I really like it. I sit at a desk and assemble various parts and components to different models of wireless driveway alarms. That's about it. Sometimes I get to test the wiring and hear the chimes the alarms make. I'm kind of sick of the chimes already. Another plus- we get paid every Monday. And even though I'm only working for six full weeks I'll make enough to pay rent for my first semester. But I'll still work there during the year. Hello savings account. Finally!

Night.

I just finished reading 'Night' by Elie Wiesel, a survivor of the Holocaust. He was a teen when he and his family got transferred from his home in Transylvania to several concentration camps including Auschwitz and Buchenwald. The book won the 1986 Nobel Peace Prize and is one of the best I've ever read.

Wiesel's story is an interesting one. Some people in his home town, Sighet, were deported one day, including a crazy friend of his, who escapes later and comes back to warn Elie. Life continued normally as his friend told horrid stories of infants being tossed into the air and used as targets for machine guns. Throughout the weeks and months, the Jews in his town remained optimistic, especially with encouraging reports from the Russian army. Suddenly one day the Germans invaded Sighet, but people got a good impression of them and kind of lived in ignorance of what could happen to them. Slowly, things began to change. Synagogues closed, the Jews were moved into specific ghettos in their town, forced to wear the yellow star, etc.
"The ghetto was ruled by neither German nor Jew; it was ruled by delusion."

Finally the order came- they were to be moved to Hungary to do factory work. Even to the last moment, people clung to hope that the order might be rescinded. On his march out of the city, Wiesel takes note of his father's reaction to their situation- tears. He had never seen his father cry. There was no distinction of class or financial status- "we were all people condemned to the same fate- still unknown."

Wiesel was separated from his mother and younger siblings, lying to the guards that he was 18 (he was 15) so he could stay with his father. They were loaded into cattle cars, forced to stand for days on end with little food and water. Finally they pulled into a station. "Someone near a window read to us: 'Auschwitz.' We had never heard that name before."

They thought conditions were good- only the young would work in factories, families wouldn't be separated, the old and sick would work in the fields. "Conditions were good. Confidence soared."

When they were able to leave the cattle train, they saw a tall chimney and huge flames, and the air reeked of burning flesh. Families were immediately separated, and Wiesel met some veteran inmates who scoffed at them, saying 'Didn't you know what was in store for you here?'

"I pinched myself: Was I still alive? Was I awake? How was it possible that men, women, and children were being burned and that the world kept silent?"

"Never shall I forget that night, the first night in camp...those flames that consumed my faith forever...moments that murdered my God and my soul and turned my dreams to ashes."

"A few SS officers wandered the room, looking for strong men. If vigor was that apprecaited, should one appear to be sturdy? My father thought the opposite- better to not draw attention. We found out later we were right." A man from Wiesel's hometown found out they were in his camp and sent them a note. Having been chosen because of his strength, Wiesel found out that he had been forced to throw his own father's body into the furnace.

One time Wiesel and his father were moved to a building with no floor. The inside was covered in mud, and soon after arriving, officers came to take people's shoes, if they had a decent pair. Wiesel did have a new pair- but they were covered in mud and were never noticed. "I thanked God, in an improvised prayer, for having created mud in His infinite and wondrous universe." Shoes, gold teeth- anything of value was taken from the inmates. Wiesel narrowly escaped giving up his gold tooth, until an SS discovered it one day. Wiesel would still not give up his crown, until the soldier beat his father everyday for two weeks until Wiesel allowed him to pry it off his molar with a rusty spoon.

It was at Auschwitz that Wiesel's arm was engraved and from then on he had no name- he was A-7713. He recalls memories of tens of thousands of inmates standing in rows while the SS checked their numbers.

Often Wiesel compares the officers and situations to animals- an SS officer with the neck of a bull, hands resembling a wolf's paw, SS men choosing who to throw into the crematorium as if they were selecting cattle.

One time he and his father were hauling cargo and his father got in the way of a German soldier- while he watched the man beat his father with an iron bar, Wiesel recalls watching the event in silence, not wanting to help. In fact, he claims he felt anger not at the soldier but at his father for not being able to avoid the man's wrath.

I could write several hundred more words about my reaction to the book- but if you have a few hours, (it's only 115 pages) read it for yourself. It's been awhile since I read a book this detailed, dramatic and dreary, but I just couldn't put it down.

home.

I've never been so glad to be back at the FH or in SD before in my life! I went up to Medora (ND) last Thursday to visit project friends from last summer - had a great few days. I was planning on leaving Saturday afternoon to get back to MN by Saturday night, because my Gma turned 80 this weekend and was having a party on Sunday.

I didn't make it. I got as far as Dickinson, ND (1/2 hour). Along the way I was only driving 60 mph and my RPMs were up to 5,000 - not good. I tried to find a place in town to fix it but they were all closed. So Leanna and the gang came to get me, we went out to eat, and I bummed around Medora until Monday morning. Then Kari brought me back to Dickinson to find a place that could fix it. No one was very nice at all. I was pretty frustrated. Finally I took it to a Dodge dealer and they checked it out. Turns out my transmission was stuck in 2nd gear the whole time because the computer chip inside telling it when to shift was not functioning properly.
Something like that.

Usually the dealer keeps a part like that on hand- or several of them on hand- but in the last week three people had the same problem, so they were out. They ordered the part and had it overnighted...and it was back to Medora for one more night. I got dropped off at 11am on Tuesday and the car was done by noon. I was about ready to cry or flip out or something.

I did have a great weekend with project people- 4 of the 7 girls work there, and I got to stay with two of them (5 nights on the floor of the girl's dorm...yuck). Only two guys came to visit on Saturday, though, so it was a pretty small reunion. Well, 7 of us out of 14 so that's half. Memories were made, fun was had-- and I went to the show the first three nights I was in town- great production again this year. I also volunteered in the concessions there-- I never did work there last summer- it was pretty cool. Everyone is just so excited to be at the show, I love the energy. I hope I can go back next summer for me and Leanna's annual reunion at the wonderful Medora Musical.

On a sidenote, Rob from the '06 Badlands SP is getting married later this summer, so I might go to that and see him and some other project people. Crazy...all these weddings and engagements and such. Hm.

Ps. I now have two wedding colors...lightish teal, and darkish red...but not burgundy...yeah they are really cute colors, I just can't decribe them. :]

interaction. (no CH)

i've taken the test before, but this summer i took the love languages test (online...probably not super scientific) because we were talking about it on project. my top two are quality time and touch (followed by words of affirmation- usually written...but i also like gifts, too :). That didn't really surprise me too much- but this summer i'm learning a lot about myself and how i interact with others. i'm not super great at investing in others, but i'm getting better. i feel like sometimes i'm a little socially awkward, but i think everyone is a little so i usually just ignore it or joke about it. :] i also am learning that there's a limit to my love languages - once they hit the line I become overwhelmed and I tend to pull away from the thing causing that. I don't always take initiative in daily, random things but i'm becoming better at allowing people in to my life and letting them love me in ways I like, such as hugs and just hanging out.

like getting back to the FH thus far has been awesome in this area - I've spent every single night in my sole roommate's room (mostly because of the air conditioning, and my bed is piled with stuff i need to put away). but i really like the quality time we've been spending together, like baking and eating together and taking a random trip to sioux falls. good stuff! yay summer and not having class. I wish i could be this relaxed and easy-going during the school year.

weddings.

What is it with women and weddings?? I enjoy the occasional chick flick, and talk of engagement rings, but I have never understood the dreaming and planning that women do about weddings. I have never been the type to sit and daydream about color schemes and flowers and cakes and dress styles… …but I think I’ve gotten sucked in. :] I just want to get this down somewhere so I know when the time actually comes [not that it will be any time soon] or if someone asks about it I can at least look it up somewhere.

Flowers…I don’t really have a favorite. maybe calla lilies. Roses are always good- standard, but beautiful. Color- bluish tealish green, kind of like the photo only not obnoxious. I think it looks great with black. I think a fall wedding would be fun, but open to anything other than a winter wedding. Ok I need to stop thinking about this and go eat lunch.

back to SoDak life.

These last few days have been kind of odd. I feel like I have a ton to do, but I don’t want to do any of it, and it’s kind of all stuff I have to do at once. Find a job, organize my life, get the rest of my support raised, etc.

Sunday was church at Hillside and lunch with a few old & new friends, and then back to the Farm House to unpack and catch up with people over the phone. I got to see Megs for a few hours and then she headed back to camp, and Lys and I hung out before sleeping in her room (with air conditioning … woohoo!).

Monday involved thank yous, laundry, organizing my life, some much needed guitar playing, and writing a project newsletter for supporters. Lys has a few days off so we are toying with the idea of painting the outside of the Farm House (after a little scrapping…but there is apparently concrete in the coat of paint on the house now, so scrapping will be not very effective). Tuesday or Wednesday we will head to Sioux Falls and hopefully hang out with Wendy before she heads to Colorado. And I need to get my camera fixed. Still broken. I'm bummed. And hoping I don't have to buy a new one, because I don't have money for it.

This weekend is a Medora project reunion and my Grandma’s birthday party. Not really sure how I’m going to be at both places at once. I didn’t know about the party until after I promised to go back to Medora, and they moved the reunion just for me, so I can’t really miss either one because my Grandma is expecting me to be there since she was told I would be there.

I have a lead on a full-time, temporary job in North Sioux in an HR Department, but no word on the possibility of even applying for it yet. I got an e-mail from my HR Prof about it on Friday so I will probably check it out tomorrow, because I need to know how I am going to pay rent for the rest of my summer/year. I think I’m going to be too busy for a job this year- I want to be able to focus on my HR classes and I’ll be managing Charlie’s Closet with some other SIFE-rs, along with Crusade stuff of course. Not writing for The Volante is going to be great, by the way. But I will miss that sweet $10/week...

P.S. I love water- it's free, it's cold, and it's oh so good! And I love milk...and mt. dew is good, too. I have had less cans than days I've been in America, so that's always a good thing. But I am missing maracuja a little bit. Luckily I bought some concentrate so when I am lonely and missing Brasil I will listen to my portuguese worship, mix up some juice and probably eat my brigadero cholocate mix straight from the container.

[North] America.

I am back in the U.S. and actually already back in Vermillion. Plane landed in Minneapolis at 1130am July 5th - my parents & joel were waiting at the airport, which was a slight surprise - didn't think dad or joel were coming so that was nice of them. We picked up my guitar in storage from the crusade office in the cities, then took Weston to Mankato. Of course we had to do a bunch of errands so we didn't get home until 6pm. And 48 hours later I'm back here. That's about the max I can do at home. Some times I enjoy being the peacemaker. Everyone thinks I'm so easy going, and I can be - but it's a struggle when I'm at home. I just get this overwhelming feeling to fix everything- no one gets along with anyone so I used to take on the role of family counselor and try to help everyone communicate and be happy. In the last year I've been learning that I can't do it anymore- not much I can do can help them, they have to want things to get better and work towards it, I can't make them get along.

Being back in America...weird. I got to drive my car for 3 hours today, which was amazing! Until I filled up with gas...yuck. It was 3.09 in Windom but only 2.95 at the Coffee Cup,. Good ol' cheap South Dakota. My camera is officially broken - my parent's battery doesn't work in it so I think it's shot. I'll have to take it to a repair place which i can hopefully find in sioux falls.
It's really weird to be home and see the farm house and Joy and I saw a few other random people today ... yeah, weird. Never been that far from home before. I don't really know what culture shock feels like but I think I have it a little bit. I love the milk here - I had about 4 glasses when I got home, along with a few of Mom's homemade cookies. And potato salad. And mt. dew...mm. But I would love some maracuja right now, and a view of the city lights, and some portuguese bread. I miss Brasil.
more life updates tomorrow...

a different mentality.

It's my last night in São Paulo. The summer has flown by, of course! It's been a great one, that's for sure. I guess I've been pretty focused on things here - and I've finally realized that I have to switch back into a different disposition. I just remembered I am going to be a senior in college, and I will have to go to class, work, and study. Huh.

Brasil is truly a great country. I love it here! It's not what I thought it would be. It's an beautiful contradiction. It's noisy, graffittied, smoggy and dirty- yet the sunsets are amazing, early Sunday mornings are peaceful, and the sidewalks and campus buildings are cleaned continuously. São Paulo itself is HUGE- especially when you're trying to leave the city- yet the cars are compact, the beds are small and the elevators are tiny. The food is wonderful- America has nothing on Brasilian desserts! I've had some of the best and worst food ever here (thumbs up on the maracujá and brigaderos - thumbs down on the chicken hearts).

I'm excited to go home. I want to see friends, family, and be able to throw my toilet paper in the TOILET. Anyway, it was hard to say good-bye to the Brasilians I've met, but honestly I will be back some day. I could spend a week/month/year here ... right now I need to focus on things at home because thinking about my future might drive me crazy. And I like to joke around about things concerning my future and crusade, and one things I'm learning this summer is I need to lighten up sometimes, but I take any committment's I make to be pretty serious. So I don't want to joke about STINTing here or coming here next summer again. But it's on my mind.

nice girls.

tonight we had the chance to listen to a recording from henry cloud on dating and relationships. i had the intention of going, but didn't as i was doing some other things before campus tomorrow. Kiki came to our room to talk about it afterwards. we started talking about how women need to put themselves out there more, which I remember posting about a few months ago. we also got to talking about why we haven't dated guys - because we haven't really been pursued.

we came to the conclusion that guys don't want funny girls, they want nice girls. so we took a poll of the guys on project that are dating people, and they all said they are dating nice girls. Granted, of course they are going to say they are dating a nice girl (I would hope). They said they are funny, but they are more nice than anything else. And I think I'm more funny and odd than nice, which is ok with me. we had a lot of other thoughts on this but it's late and i need to get to bed. maybe more later.

a million.

that's the number of thoughts running through my head right now. i don't really know what i'm posting as of yet, so bear with me...

My summer in Brasil is almost over. A few nights ago someone said regarding missions work- 'don't go when God says yes, go until he says no.' Holy cow. Definitely not my perception of missions work up until this summer. It's cool to see God changing my heart over missions, and how I can serve him, and what that might look like in the future? ... like the Campus Crusade regional office after graduation. I can't believe I put it in writing - no turning back now! haha...

I need to become better at confronting people when I have an issue or concern or whatever. I do not like drama and try to do anything I can to not have it in my life (usually). Unfortunately that means sacrificing things that I really need to do that are hard but essential for mending relationships, and also making sure my head doesn't explode.

We learned about 'kindred spirits' today - I thought it was kind of corny but I realized that I do have 'em, which is good because I want them very much. It's fun to have both peer relationships that are based on the same thing and working for the same purpose. But I have those mentor relationships, too, where I can be coached and taught and admonished and encouraged. All of which is necessary for my growth as a Christian.

I feel like sometimes I kind of state the obvious...especially on my blog...oh well.

I already said I don't like drama...sometimes I try to just be patient and not let it bug me, but it does and then I get frustrated and don't talk about it until someone else brings it up because I lie to myself that it isn't a big deal. I think situations that suck and are sometimes handled in dramatic ways that just bring attention to the hurting person are not good. It's interesting to see how people react to things when they are outside the situation as opposed to deep in the middle of the situation.

I think that's enough random blogging for one night. one roommie went to bed, the other is not here, so my thoughts are posted as a reminder to me to talk about them later. but if you want to read them, go ahead. :]

a day around town

Yesterday was pretty great. Megan and I had lunch and a good talk about brasil, leaving here, and the rest of our lives. You know, unimportant stuff. :] After lunch Gustavo and Ian picked up Andy, Trevor and I with the promise of taking us to some sweet souvenior shopping spots. After a 20 minute car ride, we ended up down the street from our hotel! I got some jewelry and the guys got some havienas and t-shirts. Then they took us to a hotel about 1/2 hour away - finally found some green havianas. For supper we went to a sweet Mexican pub down the street from our hotel. It was kind of expensive, but so nice to go somewhere that didn't serve fries, rice and beans (just refried).

This is our last week at USP. We're leaving Sunday at 9am for Rio de Janiero where we will spend a few days relaxing and sight-seeing. We fly out of Rio on July 4th at 11pm and will get back to MN at 1130 am on the 5th. The first thing I am going to do when I get home is have a glass of milk and take my car for a drive.

São Paulo and SoDak

Right now, I am sitting on my bed, eating chocolate and watching the movie 'Mozart and the Whale.' Joy, Lys and I watched it during finals week I think it was- a totally random rental, but a good movie.

Anyway ... despite the fact that i'm doing something exactly the way I would in america on a saturday ... this city is about the farthest thing from my life in the midwest. the smog - not liking it. had a cold the first few days we were here, then i was fine for a few days, and now my throat has been scratchy for the past few days. i think it's due to the pollution in the air because i've been taking a few meds and it hasn't cleared up- plus others on the team have it. weird. at least i feel fine otherwise!

at school i live in a farmhouse a half mile from the neighbors and 5 minutes from a town. peaceful. here, we have to run the air conditioner at night to drown out the street noise - and we live on a quiet street. i guess that's what you get when you live in a city of 18 million, or however many people live here.

last night we ate at applebees - i had chicken fingers, fries and corn on the cob and it was amazing! (save the corn. can't beat sweet corn grown in your own back yard, for sure). the ketchup here is worse, but the ranch is better. the food is good, tho - the fruit is wonderful and therefore the juice is wonderful as well. Maracujá is my new favorite (passion fruit). I didn't even know that was a fruit.

today we spent the afternoon in a totally different part of brasil - photos may follow (my camera battery died right away). Great architecture, a lot more homeless people, (and prostitutes), tons of people in general. The metro (subway) is the cleanest thing I've seen in this city. Sao Paulo is ironic - smog, noise, grafitti, litter EVERYWHERE-- yet the subway was immaculete, and the broken cobblestone sidewalks are washed daily with hoses by the respective shop owners.

brasil.

so....brasil is amazing. love it! i will probably post a lot of after-the-project stuff. things i'm continuing to learn and all. i like splitting up my posts by topic, not really by 'hey this is what i did today' so when i have TIME to do it, posting will come.

until then, brasil rocks!

one week...

In one week I will be on a plane from atlanta to sao paulo to spend 7 weeks in brasil. woohoo! I have a lot to do before then but I have the rest of this week to do it, which I will need. I am about 1,000 short on support right now, but considering I have received over 1,000 in the last week, I am a happy camper. this semester and past few weeks have been challenging spiritually, academically, mentally and even socially at times, but I am really looking forward to this awesome chance to grow immensely and be even more challenged this summer. Even leaving Vermillion is a challenge for me - obviously leaving a place I know and am comfortable, but more so my friends, who have become family to me. Things are going to be different when I get back, and I'm not necessarily looking forward to that but that's life I guess.

On a sidenote, I can't believe I am a senior in college. about time! :] This year is going to be really, really tough seeing some of my best friends graduate and move on, but I have decided to be excited for this coming year and not let inevitable change ruin all the fun times. I will look for the good in things - the crazy adventure that life will become after graduation - who knows what will happen!

woohoo senior year!

yep i am officially done with my junior year...pretty awesome. now i have a solid week to hang out, pack for brasil, raise $2000 more dollars, tons of fun stuff. :] I had a really good semester academically - I *think* I made the dean's list, which almost killed me with marketing and legal. I probably spent the least amount of time overall in the Word this semester since freshman year, which is sad, but I still ending up growing closer to God through other things, like Vespers.

I definitely have cycles being submersed in the Word and living out of my own strength, and I never seem to learn in the low times that I just need to make myself spend time with the Lord, and I'll get back the desire to do so. Because I always do, it's just a tough lesson to learn.

thoughts from some one else on being single.

Once in awhile I read this pretty cool blog about being single. Several times I have been encouraged by the thoughts and feelings of the author. In her latest post she writes about the church's duty to help single people meet each other- mainly she is providing her own thoughts on something someone else wrote on the subject .

Anyway, in the post she relates being single and wanting to find a husband to evangelism. In evangelism, we are the ones who share the Gospel, but God is the one that does all the work. He could do it without us, but he wants us to put ourselves out there to help us grow, to develop our character, etc. And I think that's like being single. You could sit back and wait for God to drop a man on your doorstep, [wouldn't that be sweet!], but where is the growth/challenge in that? I think you need to put yourself out there- make yourself availible and see what happens.

a sad observation.

why do I continually put my trust in things that never prove faithful? well, first, God is obviously the only thing that is going to be faithful to me no matter what. [of which i am so very thankful for!] good thing there is grace, because i never give him the trust he deserves to get from me.

and yet, there are so many things in my life that i trust in every day to be there for me, to make me happy, to give me unconditional love and happiness and security. and they always fail me in the end. it's human nature to trust in things seen and not unseen, even tho we should do the opposite (kind of talked about in matthew 6:28).

i have been trying something new- trying to climb outside of my life, and look at it from another perspective. and i've been successful. and what i see scares me. i put so much trust in so many things. family and money and grades and myself and my own plans. and my friends, wow. i have such amazing friends and am thankful for them every day. this week at discipleship we talked about stewardship and while my friends are not mine to own, the relationships i have with them need to be handled in a way that honors God.

and i have not been doing that.

this semester/year i feel like God has been grabbing onto them and pulling them away from me. there have been a few things that have developed, probably unnoticed to my friends but i see them, and i suppose it could be God's way of taking away the things i am loving more than him. a sad observation indeed. at least i have realized this and have the desire to change.

i am again finding comfort in the song 'faithful to me' by jennifer knapp ... 'i have searched endlessly for a faith to be faithful to me ... another day, another trial, another chance to reconcile ... and reaching out my weary hand i pray that you'd understand - you're the only one who's faithful to me. you're the only one who's faithful to me.'

the past and future weeks.

i have basically been trying to keep my head above the water these past few weeks. and not just with my schedule- it's been everything- class, work, moeny, crusade stuff, family stuff, group projects, money, SIFE stuff, support raising, homework, money, roommate stuff. maybe it's because i'm in a super good mood right now, but even though i am totally overwhelmed right now, it's so great to just sit back, and look at the bigger picture. these weeks are going to fly, so the precious moments like spending time w/ God at the river and giggling for an hour straight with the roommates is what's important. that stuff is truly keeping me sane right now.

i feel the need to express what an awesome week this has been ... things are really looking up, especially after a crappy last week and weekend. i have a shot at the dean's list, my family is doing well and supporting me pretty well concerning brasil, a professor i hold in high regard seriously complimented my work in class [i think she used the word brilliant....ok i'll stop]. it's so nice to see hard work pay off.

and i'm really enjoying where i'm at. the feeling of being content with what i have is something i struggle with, but only when i fall into the comparison trap. when i keep my eyes on christ and not on so called greener fields around me, i realize i have what i have because what i have is what i need. i joke a lot about being single and bitter about it, but i love where i'm at right now. wouldn't want a relationship...seems like it would really complicate a lot of things. it just might be the thing to push me over the edge...(just kidding).

this is such a great time in my life. i feel like i finally know how to handle certain situations, especially this thing called 'college.' the real world will come, and when it does i will do well- i will do very well, after it kicks my butt right away. but for now i am loving just sitting back and learning, about everything from microphones and magazine layouts to managing compensation plans and marketing movements.

but next week will come, along with three exams [two are finals]. this year soon ends, and it is bittersweet ... leaving friends, a roommate leaving the house, friends leaving USD, me leaving my legal class ... me leaving the country! big stuff. so glad i have the ability to see and somewhat understand the bigger picture.

grad school?

I swore I wouldn't go to grad school...but lately I've been thinking about it a bit more. I always assumed I would go, but after my freshman year of undergrad I found myself thinking...uh, NO THANKS. But USD seems to have a decent MBA program, and it would probably be a decent price... and I would need only like 11 classes or something like that, which isn't bad at all...but do I want to hang around here for another 1+ years? No...or do I? I kind of want to explore a whole new school, a new part of the country. Could I actually do it?? It would be a sweet test to just up and go to school somewhere else without any close friends...scares me a LOT, but honestly I think I might need a challenge like that to help me grow just in general.

seven weeks.

yep, only seven weeks until brazil! i am officially at 25% for support, no sign of my passport, don't really know much else. except i'm SO PUMPED! once these classes are over I will have time to focus on learning more portugeuese -- I only know a bit now, hopefully over break I will get time to listen to them.

march.

it seems a lot longer than a week ago that i wrote in here. it's been a crazy busy month, and it's only going to get busier. i am so ready for easter break! and it's really a break for me as i don't have class Thursday, Tuesday and we get Friday/Monday off. i wish i had something 'deeper' to write about in here, but i got nothing. thought i should at least post something, tho. and, april fool's day is coming up, so that's always exciting. i presently don't think any one is planning anything, but then again you never know. i could put someone's stapler in jello...that would be so great!!! maybe i will prank the farm house girlies....yes, i think so. :]

yard stick.

well it's been a crazy few weeks so far as project is concerned. i have met almost half the team going, which is pretty exciting. finances are crazy ... support raising is always interesting, but i finding that once again God is proving more faithful than i give him credit for, and has been using some interesting & surprising people to help me out. officially i am 13% there...over half way to the $1,000 mark which I should have by...oh, yeah, THIS Saturday...haha. probably not going to make it, but that's fine. i haven't gotten my passport yet, but i'm not really worried because i'm pretty positive i won't be getting it before the kickoff weekend in april. and even tho i started a new job i am finding that i can't work much. rent's due, and i have some debts that need to be paid back...so this whole money thing should be interesting. time to drop a notch lower on the 'living below my means' yard stick. it's been a very hard lesson for me to learn, and one which God is still teaching me, and probably forever will be.

random, very trivial thoughts.

just want to warn you that i am venting to my blog because i want to go to bed so i need to. i hate when i hear things i'm not supposed to. ugh. ouch. especially when it's not very nice, and it's sarcastic, and it points out my faults. what a boost to my confidence. and i never say anything because i don't have the guts, but i'll mull it over in my mind, coming up with all sorts of awesome (albiet mean) come-backs. and saying something might may it worse, but sometimes you have to. even if it makes it worse for awhile, it makes it better because you can get it out in the open and off your mind. ugh.

i have been noticing more and more in my daily life that grace plays a huge part in things. i am hope that i act with grace towards others, altho i know there are many a time when i don't. a lot of times i don't. and i don't pull my weight. that can be do to the fact that i have different standards than some, or i know i don't pull it and i'm trying my best. and sometimes it's due to the fact that i honestly don't realize i'm not pulling my weight.

so glad there is grace in this world. and forgiveness.

spring break!

it's early saturday morning and i'm watching the office, ignoring my pile of homework & laundry. i just got home tonight from a sweet spring break. i didn't really have any plans until sunday afternoon when i decided to go home for a few days. home was good, normal, etc. took a bunch of photos of the snow outside...yeah. won't be home until easter, so that's fine. THEN alyssa picked me up in worthington and we headed to rochester to hang out with nick, and then stayed with some of alyssa's high school friends. then it was off to eau claire to hang out with jen from lys' project. i met a ton of awesome people -- a handful of them will be on project w/ me this summer in brazil. i really like their campus (i made it up the big hill just fine...but once was enough). it was interesting to go to their Cru meeting (and NOT have to do anything to set up or help!) and see how they run things. got some good ideas for the rest of the semester for our meetings.

All in all, it has been an awesome break. i could have gone to panama city beach with crusade ... but this was a lot of fun, and i'm not really a 'beach' type of girl. I had an open road in a beautiful part of the country, no agenda, a full tank of gas & a hundred cds between the two of us, along with some of my mom's cookies and a very good friend. on the way home i had this feeling that my life was real again, that all the stress of school and trips and conflicts and work is not what life is about. that drive through the wooded hills of wisconsin was all i needed to clear my head and remind me of a very important part of life-- sit back and enjoy the ride; it's a journey, not a destination.

skype!

Yep, I downloaded skype today. it looks like a pretty sweet program. I am excited to learn how to use it so i can chat with pple while in Brazil - how fun to talk with people back home while I'm there, or those in Australia on project this summer, or Gerber over in Asia! fun stuff. gotta love technology. :]

works for our good.

Lately I have been thinking a lot about God's sovereignty, and how that relates to me where I am at now and where I will be in the future [the future - go figure]. Romans 8:28 says "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to his purposes." This verse has been very encouraging to me lately and I really enjoy breaking it down to understand the full meaning. "in all things" - God isn't just present when we ask Him to be, or when we desperately need him to be, but even when we don't think about Him being around us. "God works for the good" - Not everything that happens to us is good. tough to deal with sometimes. God is able to turn everything that happens into good in the long run. "of those who love Him, who have been called according to his purposes." - His promise can't be claimed by everyone, but by those who are called to fulfill his purposes -- and God works for His purposes, not for our pleasure or happiness. And I'm so thankful that, when I am in His will, seeking His heart, whatever happens- even when it doesn't make me happy- God will work it out for the good.

brazil. brazil? uh, yeah. Brazil!

that's right, I found out monday I have officially been accepted on the 2007 Brazil Summer Project. woohoo! I am SO VERY pumped. No doubt in my mind this is going to be an amazing experience. Thus begins the process of getting ready to go ... aka support raising. I had much success last summer for Medora - God is so faithful. I am excited to see how He will provide for me this summer!

Holy cow. I'm going to Brazil.

legal.

Right now in Legal Environment of Business we are learning about contracts-- what makes them valid, enforceable, the different types, etc. Here is a sentence from the chapter of my text book ...

"The promise given by the

promisor (offeror) must induce

the promisee (offeree) to offer a

return promise, a performance,

or a forbearance, and the

promisee's promise, performance,

or forbearance must induce the

promisor to make the promise."

Wonderful. I'm just glad I actually understand what that means. This class has definitely been my toughest class thus far and I'm pretty sure I don't even want to think about the final. But I think I like it.

you want random, you got it.

At the end of the day, it's just me. As I lay in bed at night, I sometimes wonder if I'm doing the right thing. I'm alone with my thoughts -- I replay the day in my head, wondering if I said or did the right thing, if anyone really knows me and if the day I just lived had any worth other than gaining knowledge, learning, growing, having fun.

Old friends aren't here, my family isn't here, my college friends aren't here. It's just me and God-- and I'm glad because now is when I'm most real-- with Him and myself. No one else around to act for or worry about. Every day, life gets a little more serious, and it's so easy to downplay or complain about or ignore.

And the real thing is, I want change. Who doesn't, at least of some sort? Isn't it human nature to want what we don't have, what others have, what we can't have? But we take what we get, and try to find the good in it, and whether we do or don't I guess depends on the demeanor of the person.

But I asked for it. I specifically asked for change, I ask a lot and then I receive a lot and I don't realize God is just being fair, and giving me what I ask. And then sometimes I am a jerk and complain about it, when He's giving me what is actually good for me, and what I secretly do want.

And sometimes I find myself wanting life to be hard. Because when things get hard, I finally get serious. When life is 'normal' and predictable, I slack. I slack a lot, and have been recently. Bring on the hard stuff. Because it's time life got serious and I'm not going to ignore it or downplay it any more. At least I'm going to try to tackle it and do the best I can, by the grace of God. I don't want a 'normal' life. Give me a challenge that will draw out my weaknesses. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

a pretty cool song.

All the chisels I've dulled carving idols of stone
That have crumbled like sand 'neath the waves.
I've recklessly built all my dreams in the sand
Just to watch them all wash away.

All the pennies I've wasted in my wishing well
I have thrown like stones to the sea.
I have cast my lots, dropped my guard,
Searched aimlessly for a faith to be faithful to me.

Through another day, another trial,
Another chance to reconcile,
To one who sees past all I see.
And reaching out my weary hand
I pray that you'd understand.
You're the only one who's faithful to me.

Jennifer Knapp//Faithful to Me

Interaction.

I just want to use the beginning of this post to profess my love for The Office. It's so great! Jim and Pam are so cute. And the things that come out of Michael's mouth...hilarious! And then there is Dwight. Yeah. Enough said about Dwight.

Some might call this newfound love for a silly documentary-style TV Show an obession. I call it filling 20 minutes with humor, because there isn't anything else to do. Had I known that no one would be home tonight I probably would not be sitting here watching TV online. I really am in need of some human interaction. If it were any earlier I would call someone or go hang with the heckathorn's.

I wish my days were a bit more balanced. For example. Thursdays are just crazy. Usually after Cru I can't handle any more people -- I like to just go home and veg out for 1/2 hour before working on homework or going to bed. And it's not because of the people, Thursdays are busy and stressful and it's nice to be by myself for awhile.

Good thing tomorrow is Sunday! I will at least be able to see some people at church and then Vespers. Ahh Vespers. So good.

uber long post.

I have been learning a lot this semester, and this year especially. At first junior year was really hard for various reasons, but I've been getting the hang of things lately, of which I am kind of proud of myself for.

Friends are pretty darn important in my life. And I have some great ones. But I've been putting waaay too much trust in them in place of trusting in the Lord.

What does that look like? As much as my friends love me, they can't do everything I want them to, or say all the right things. Not that they say mean hurtful things to me, which they totally don't, and they won't try to hurt me, but eventually they will. This is tough because they are so great and I love them so much. When I first came to college, I suddenly had a group of friends unlike any I had ever found. But I would put so much trust & hope in them, that I would just ignore it when they would let me down. Maybe that's where my passivity comes from. Is passivity a word? [I never thought of that until I wrote it. Which is why I love blogging].

But I think that totally makes sense - if I was looking for love and attention in the wrong places, of course when I got it I would do anything to keep it, such as just giving in all the time, etc.

And it really sucks when friends let you down. Maybe I just have unreasonable expectations sometimes (which I have for myself...and yeah actually I probably have them as much for me as I do others). But there is a balance, too. While sometimes I might have unreasonable expectations for my friends, sometimes they just don't hold up their end of the deal.

Enter Grace. Grace is tricky, because if you can have a stock pile of it, doesn't matter what happens in your friendships because you can treat people & situations with grace instead of being resentful, jealous, etc. If you think about it, you can probably tell when grace falls out of a relationship. Looking at my life, I can definitely see that happening in certain areas.

It's crazy how friendships change & evolve over time. People change. I personally am becoming way more independent than in high school, even since freshman year, which is very good for me.

It's funny how much I've been changing lately. If a friend would say something to me that turned out to be hurtful, in the past I would probably just shrug it off, ignore it, secretly being bitter/resentful inside but not showing it on the outside, as I just wanted to keep the friendship as is.

This year that stuff I would hide/ignore, like resentment and bitter feelings, has risen closer to the surface. Scary, because my temper has really been in control lately. But obviously it's not good or even necessary for me to be all bitter towards people. I think that's a natural step for me to take towards learning how to appropriately deal with disappointment and hurt.

WOW! That was an uber long post. And that shall be it's name.

not this time.

finishing that previous post (and there was much more i could have added) seems pretty silly now as I didn't get the amazing, perfect job. or what i thought would have been that amazing, perfect job. guess not! hard not to be bitter right now. it just SEEMED so perfect. the timing was right on- both in the semester, and in my years in college. tons of thoughts are running thru my mind...

first, why didn't i get the job? my tests were good, the interview went decently. of course I had the thought that they possibly didn't hire me because i wouldn't be able to work 6 weeks this summer as I would be in brazil (hopefully). i can't see that as a possibility, but i guess i will not ever know.

i know i should be happy that God has an ultimate plan and for some reason, this wasn't in it for me. and i'm so thankful to God for giving me all he has this year and in my life, especially since college. honestly, these last 2 years have been the best of my life. in the grand scheme of things, my life is pretty great and i don't have a lot to worry about. i shouldn't worry about any of it, but i'm human and flawed, and I'm amy, worry is like my middle name. you're reading about the life of a girl that has never had fingernails longer than 1cm. (seriously).

ugh. i can't believe how crappy this feels. and how hard it is to not get what you want. I've not gotten my way plenty of times before, and it's never been like this.

and even as I sit here, thinking about how up in the air my immediate future is (how to pay rent for the rest of the semester, what to do with my summer after brazil, am I even going to brazil?), I have to believe that God will get me thru it somehow, in some way. he didn't give me what I thought I deserved/was His will/was best for me. but he'll give me that which I need, not want. and i can't imagine life without him.

God is sovereign. He loves me. He is good. God is very, very good to me.

the future.

so i know this has come up in basically every post from the past weeks... months...ok all year. but it's been on my mind every day, so that's why I blog about it -- especially because I obsess about it so much that people don't want to hear about it anymore, which is totally understandable.

ANYWAY, ever since Fall Retreat this year (moreso since the middle of summer project) I have been considering my different options after graduation. and it's scary for me to think about because I absolutely LOVE where I am at right now! I am sure by the time that day comes, I'll be ok with moving on, hopefully I'll be reading and wanting to move on.

Really recently I have been thinking about the specific steps I am taking towards my future, and where I could possibly end up after graduation based on what I am doing this year in college.

And that scared me all last semester because I realized I wasn't doing much of anything! Don't get me wrong -- I do stuff. I do a LOT of stuff including a full class load and many extracurriculars, as well as church responsibilities. So I do a lot, but nothing that could help me get my foot in the door for a job after college.

The problem was I just didn't have a passion for one specific thing, esp in the business world. I often get discouraged by others in the b-school at USD because they seem so money hungry no-ethics-success-driven already. And that totally turns me off of everything in the business field.

So this has all been on my mind for 6 months. Literally, not a day goes by I don't think about the future. The main (and probably only) reason it scared me because I had no passion for anything except the stuff I've been learning about and doing with Campus Crusade. And that's fine -- I will totally go on staff if that's what God wants. And that decision is another post in itself.

Back to my life. So I do stuff with crusade, cool. So, after this summer of amazing project adventures in which I spiritually grew the most in 10 weeks than I think I did the 2 years I had been a Christian up to that point, I finally became ok, even excited, about the fact that maybe someday I would just go on staff. I really think that might be where I end up.

But what if I don't? THAT was the question that's been so hard to deal with recently. I can trust God that he knows what I'm supposed to do directly out of college, but I still need to take steps towards a goal. Because what if I just kept on with Crusade and then that wasn't the plan after graduation?? Then I invested so much time in something that is worth it, but I don't have any idea what to do with my life.

Here enters in HR. Human Resources. I never thought I would be a good manager of people, etc -- I am better with computers and math, which is why accounting attracted me right away. I can do numbers, not people. But that's why HR Management is so great for me -- because I NEED to learn about it bc I don't know a thing about it!

I can be a very behind-the-scenes person sometimes, which is why HR is perfect for me. hold that thought. wow, this is a really long post. I will finish tomorrow.

21.

It is the eve of the anniversary of my birth- 21 years on this crazy earth. Hey, that rhymes. I totally didn't plan that. Anyway, today was a weird day. It was good and I got a lot done but I spent a few moments in a wistful state of mind. I am really excited for the future. I get hung up on the little things once in awhile, but I have some good friends to keep me in check. I knew life would be full of ups and downs - I never thought they would all happen in one day! But I'm young I'm single and I'm now an 'adult.' Therefore life is good. :]

e-mail.

I really think God should use e-mail. How sweet would that be? If you know me but at all, you know that I heart e-mail very much. Every time I log on to my USD account, (which is seriously once an hour on average), I hope to see tons of e-mail, from random people and friends and even stuff from the University!! One time I logged on and I had 9 e-mails. That's awesome. I do not, however, like spam e-mail. Not cool, just annoying.

I think it would be awesome if God used e-mail. To log on once in awhile throughout your day and see a new message all bolded and at the top of the pile: From= God. Subject= your day. "Amy. This is God. I know you are stressing out right now about your Legal exam in a week, but don't worry! You will have time to study, I'll make sure of that. If you take advantage of the time you will have and are serious about succeeding, you will. I Love You! --God."

Yep that'd be awesome. In my mind I think the best part about it would be that God would talk to me more than he does now, which I feel like is zero most of the time. But really it's my deal not His to hear his voice. I don't spend as much time reading my Bible and sitting in silence and praying as I should. But I still think it would be sweet if God used e-mail.

life. (now that's specific ...)

today was good. i don't usually 'journal' my days' events on this blog but tonight i want to. today was a good day. i knew it would be a long one as we were out the door by 830am, coffee in hand, bookbags packed with homework (at least mine was).

After dropping jules off at Hillside, where she was helping in the nursery before church, megs, lys and i went to the HyV for a breakfast bagel, which was aMAZING. Then it was back to church where megs and i watched the kids during the service -- which was actually pretty fun. Maybe i am not so bad w/kids after all.

By the end of church, I was hungry again -- jules and i sped off to subway once jordan dropped us off at her car. Then it was onwards to the library for a few hours of studying. Megs picked me up around 3 and we proceeded to take a nap (aMAZING) at the newman center, pick up supper and such at Wal-Mart and head back to church.

Lasagna went in the oven, and after a 1/2 hour of unsuccessful songwriting, I talked with Leanna for a 1/2 hour until the food was ready. We ate and chatted, then got ready for Vespers. An hour of solid practice and we were ready to go. Candles were lit (for effect) and about 805 we started. We were blowing out candles and packing up by 9. Home by 930 with Lys. Made brownies for the Miss America Pageant Party for Cru tomorrow. Talked a bit with the roommies, mom, and megs. Checked the e-mail and got my stuff ready to do it all over again tomorrow, after a good 7 hours of sleep.

That's a 'normal' day for me- spending more time asleep at the Farmhouse than I do awake. More time driving than reading my Bible. Honestly, this is a really challenging lifestyle. I have never had a greater test of patience, self-lessness, love, grace -- ever. First semester here was tough. Very. But I am conquering. Life is not dragging me down. And for some reason, this lifestyle is fun at times. There is probably something I should be learning from all this. Maybe someday I will be shown the reason for me being a part of this house for two years.

hide & seek

Never been much good on my own
So I'm tryin' to find somebody else
Never been good at findin' much except
Loneliness all by myself
Spottin' you ain't been easy
I could use one hint maybe two
Cause I got this spot right beside me baby
Waiting here just for you

So you go hide
And I'll come seek
Maybe someday in the middle
We just might meet
Cause I'm counting to a hundred
And I promise I won't peek
As you go hide
And I come seek

How much longer will this game go on
I guess only time will tell
I hate to hear that you're all alone
Overlooked in search of someone else

So you go hide
And I'll come seek
Maybe someday in the middle
We just might meet
Cause I'm counting to a hundred
And I promise I won't peek
As you go hide
And I come seek

Please show your face
Because I want you to be it...yeah
I want you to be it
counting to 100//matt wertz

greed.

In legal today we watched a video on Greed in America and it was super interesting. Of course we had an in-class quiz about it--ethics, profit, legality and such. One question said 'Is greed in America bad? To which many people would probably say 'yes of course--hello, greed, corporate evilness, poor ethics, etc. Greed = Bad.' But John Stossel is a smart guy, and throughout the video he made several good points:

"Greed motivates most of us to work harder, to innovate, and to cooperate with each other. More importantly, it motivates those few creative geniuses among us, on whom everything else depends, to bring to life the new ideas that move the whole world forward." I definitely could not have said it better myself. But how can you justify having 100 million dollar homes when many people have no home? True, that's an issue. But can you say that those with expensive homes and billions of dollars are getting a bigger piece of the economic pie? It doesn't really work to say that because person A gets more of the pie, persons B and C are going to get less.

Objectivist philosopher David Kelley said this. "Because greedy people get rich, they appear to be getting a bigger piece of the economic pie at the expense of everyone else. What is missing from that perception is that greedy people make whole new pies--including products that never existed before, like high-speed computers and lifesaving medical treatments."

So logically it's good for me to be selfish? That's a scary thought. But I see their point.

learning, growing, things of that nature.

I have been thinking a lot about the way people grow and change over a period of time, and who we come into contact with and for how long and why. It's kind of crazy. You might meet a person one day and only talk with them for a minute and never see them again, but they could teach you something you needed to learn at that point in your life.

It reminds me of that cheesy graduation motto so many high school use: "Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Others stay for awhile, leave footprints on our hearts and we are never quite the same." Very cheesy. But it's true, as sometimes cheesy things turn out to be. I am tired now. More on this later, I'm sure.

irony?

this is how i am. i think all the time about everything, (which makes doing any type of activitiy in which i need to think--like studying--very hard to do). i was in fact thinking today about my future (go figure). we had presentations in two of my business classes this morning about internships at daktronics. i wasn't really interested, but they sure drilled into my head the importance of gaining experience in your work field. and it is a real catch-22: you need experience to get a job, but you need a job to get experience. enter internships.

so after sitting thru the same two presentations in a span of an hour and a half, i think "yeah...ok. ok fine! fine. i should get an internship."

then i think about my summer. and brazil. and i want to go to brazil. but i do kinda want an internship, a little bit at least. so i decide-- crusade, no. brazil, you might have to wait this summer if i find an internship that i actually would be excited about and might get in to. and i waver back and forth a lot, but this thought was very strong in my mind today.

and then i check my e-mail.

"We have received your summer project application and will begin the reviewing process." --Crusade. AHHHHH. didn't i just tell you i wanted to wait, God? come on. when i finally decide i should maybe get a 'real' job this summer, i am again reminded of my other option. [if you're still reading this, i commend you.]

so i begin to look online-- because, i need a job right now, and i am also thinking about summer internships. ohh internet, how i love you. after 40 minutes of thinking and reading and hoping, i actually, seriously, find an option. sweet! a human resources spring internship (aka right now) at an insurance company in south sioux city -- good pay, no more than 20 hrs a week. PERFECT. awesome. i am pretty excited about this opportunity. a little nervous because it is my potential first 'real' job in the 'real' world where i might 'real' -ly end up some day. yeah.

so if i could do this, i could get good HR experience and save up money to pay rent while i'm in brazil this summer. :D

//sometimes i believe all the lies so i can do the things i should despise. and every day i am swayed by whatever is on my mind. i hear it all depends on my faith so i'm feeling precarious. the only problem i have with these mysterious is they're so mysterious. and like a consumer i've been thinking if i could just get a bit more, more than my 15 minutes of faith, then i'd be secure.
my faith is like shifting sand--changed by every wave.
my faith is like shifting sand, so i'll stand on grace.//
//shifting sand, Caedmon's Call//

scratch

I've said it once, I'll say it again = Kendall Payne ROCKS.
here are a few bits and pieces of her song 'scratch' --

You can't dream when you can't sleep.
This is my problem. Not literally, of course, because in fact last night I had a dream -- I was filling my car up with gas but instead of putting it in the gas tank I was filling the muffer. Weird. Anyway, what I mean is that I am busy trying to focus on the sleep part (class, jobs, to-do lists--the normal routine stuff I have to do everyday) that I miss the dream part.

It's a big girl world now, full of big girl things.
And everyday I wish I was small.
This has been a reoccuring theme of my life the past few months now. Actually sums up my junior year pretty well, so far. 'Nuff said.

I used to think I was special, and only I have proved me wrong.
I get down on myself a lot, (crazy, I know). And it's true, sometimes I can really suck at life. But no way is it ever others' faults for my crappy view of life, or low self-esteem. The only person that I come in contact with enough to make even a small difference in my disposition is in fact me.

growing up.

We have had guests here and classes for most of the past ten days, so I have been slightly too busy to post at least a little something here.

Basically I have been thinking a lot, which is seldom good. One of Kendall Payne's songs "Scratch" has been stuck in my head for about two weeks, without me really knowing it= "Its a big girl world now, full of big girl things."

Until I spoke about 'growing up' at Cru last night. It was a good subject, but in hindsight it's ironic I was telling others how we can grow up in the likeness of God when I really don't want to. At times I can't wait to see where God will take me in the next two years, let alone the rest of my life. Sometimes I think having such a long-term mind is not a good thing. Meh. But it is a big girl world now. And I'm only almost 21. I have (hopefully) 3/4 of my life yet to come. And the past two years have been the best of my life. I have grown so much in my faith-- first realizing that my faith was based on rules and regulations and liturgy learned in church. And learning about my true purpose in life has been pretty awesome, along with finding out that life doesn't have to be so gray - I can stand on one side or another and know that I am on the right side, and know that I am going to heaven no matter what happens in this life.

So I still have a lot of growing up to do, I guess, but I know that no matter where I go or what I do, I will always have thing that is dearest to me, a relationship with Christ.

progress.

It's really cool to see how much I change as weeks, even days go by. I've been thinking about Brazil a lot and I have been questioning my heart and motives in going, fully knowing that I will not go if my heart isn't in the right place. But even tho I have doubted my feelings, I surprise myself when someone asks me about it or I tell people about my potential summer plans; I get really excited and feel like I need to explain the whole thing to them and tell them how much I want to go, etc. I had a random person express their interest in supporting me this summer, which was a definite surprise. I think, little by little, God is showing me that Brazil is the place for me this summer, and I need not worry about the finances and what will happen afterwards.

106,456,367,669.

I was talking with Alyssa last night about some random things and we ended up talking about heaven and how many people will be there. So I thought of all the people that have ever lived on this earth. We probably won't ever know for sure because so many people debate about how old the earth is, etc: BUT I found a website that gave a number: 106,456,367,669 have been born up to mid-2002. Isn't that crazy? 106 billion people.

arrows.

found this story on kendall payne's website guestbook:

"A friend of mine had this dream: He was running from something. He didn’t know what the ‘Something’ was, he just knew it was chasing him. And it was gaining on him. He wanted to turn around, but was too scared and couldn’t afford the wasted time. So he ran faster and faster, sweat pouring down his face, heart racing. Without warning, he felt an arrow pierce his back, it stung, he fell to the ground in agony. He knew his enemy had conquered him. Mustering all the courage he had inside him, he turned over to face his advisory. Nothing could have prepared him for the shock. It was Jesus who had been chasing him. At first my friend was angry with Jesus, but then he saw tears in Jesus’ eyes. Jesus helped him to his feet and they walked a few more steps, where my friend saw the cliff drop out from underneath him and a deadly ravine below. He knew he had been running straight for it, and it was Jesus who had saved him, by wounding him."

Maybe in heaven someday we will find out why God had to shoot us with arrows. I for one would love to know why I have been hit- several times by the same arrow it seems. On a random sidenote, Kendall Payne ROCKS. her songs are so good and easy to play on the guitar (double-cool in my book).

peace.

Another TCX has come and gone and God is faithful in teaching me a few lessons I needed to learn. I gained a lot of knowledge about heaven, eternity, judgment, our actions on earth, etc. One big thing I learned about was peace. Christ is the Prince of Peace, my King. I haven't really been resting in him and letting him be my peace. This past semester I have been worrying a lot about the future- this summer and when I graduate. Important events I need to be thinking about, but I’ve been wavering between just thinking about it some days and obsessively freaking out about it other days. I really wanted God to show me last week what He wanted me to do. A week later, I think I know what He wants, and I will pursue it, trusting He will give me what I need. The cool thing about it was God has brought me to a sense of peace. Even if I had 100% certainty about it, He still might change the plan. I’ve realized that and have put more of my trust in Him than ever before, which has really brought me a state of peacefulness.

James 3:18 says, “Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness.” My family doesn’t get along real well sometimes. I often become the peacemaker. For awhile I saw it as a burden, always being put in the middle, taking both sides of most issues to make everyone happy. I have finally realized that it’s not a burden- and I am glad to help out and keep the peace when I can. But I was thinking about telling my family about the possibility of going to Brazil this summer, and God showed me that so often I keep silent about Him around my family, like not sharing what he’s teaching me, just so I can keep the peace. I’ve been limiting His glory by just trying to keep the peace around the house.