heaven.

I am
so
so
incredibly
excited
for heaven. One of our lecture-ers yesterday talked about the big picture of the Bible as a redemptive story. Towards the end he mentioned heaven; even though we can't really even fathom what it will be like, we have a few ideas of what we will experience and what we can expect. He asked us to close our eyes (which I ignored) and listen to the words describing what heaven would be like. The starred ones really stuck out to me. He spoke slowly, allowing us to fully realize the weight of our hope in heaven:

no night
no dark*
no rust
no decay
no hurt
no racism
no police*
no paramedics
no sickness
no confession*
no running
no hiding
no barrier with God
no shame
no arrogance
no anger
no ulterior motives*
no reputations*
no shallow relationships*
no guilt*
no fear*
no heatache*
no need for faith*

we will have
all the time in the world
to experience and explore God-
never finishing,and never tiring.

worship.

I took a test on the badlands summer project that evaluated the different ways I connect with God. The highest score was worship. I've always liked music, and I had just learned how to play guitar that year, but worship being the top on the list was a little surprising to me.

Over the last few years I've had the chance to participate in and lead in many worship bands comprised of different people, with different personalities and leadership styles. I've thought about worship a lot in the last couple weeks, mainly because I purposely didn't bring my guitar down to Florida with me. Aside from all I need to learn about Crusade, theology, the Bible and support raising, I'm expecting to learn a lot about myself while here. I think I'm a pretty self-aware person, but I'd like to know myself better.

So, one of these ways is to consider my heart and passion for worship. Why do I love playing guitar and singing, and music in general? Why do I like to lead others in music? Why is it that I feel closest to God through worship? I haven't been able to connect with God as sincerely during worship here at training. Why is that? I don't want to fall into the habit of critiquing worship bands. (Though it's already a struggle! and I don't even know much at all about music and leading bands!) How can I prepare my heart and mind to connect with God in worship when I don't particularly like the style? It's not my place to judge the singers or musicians (or their hair, or clothes...small glimpse into my shallowness).

A bible study I'm in back home went through a book called "Crazy Love" last fall. It was written by Francis Chan, pastor of Cornerstone Church in Simi Valley, CA. I could tangent into the greatness of the book right now but I won't. His views on life and surrender were so fresh and true to me. I looked him up online and since then I've been listening to some podcasts from him, and his church members, who've preached sermons there. Point of this information: one recent sermon was about worship. The speaker was the church's worship leader, who defined worship as choosing to authentically respond to the person and character of God. His main points were:

• A Choice
  -we have the decision to make: will we connect with God or will we stand in a worship service, with the appearance that we care while our hearts are not engaged?
  -theological understanding and practical application meet here


• Authenticity
  -God knows the heart
  -Raising hands and clapping doesn't necessarily have anything to do with the condition of someone's heart (he was saying this from the perspective of leading worship)


• Response
  -The more we know God, the better we will be able to respond.
  -Worship is always the response of seeing God.
  -We mirror what we worship. If your wedding is all you talk about, is it becoming an idol? If every conversation you are in turns back to your new laptop you just bought, are you possibly worshipping that? (I hope that makes sense; Obviously a new bride or engaged woman is going to talk about her wedding a lot).

[The post about heaven relates to this one - the thought of worship reminded me about worshipping in heaven, hence the post about it. So read that one, too, if you feel like it :]

lamb-like lion.

One of our required texts to read is "Seeing and Savoring Jesus Christ." Piper does a great job of presenting the contrasting nature of Christ. One chapter was about the descriptions of Jesus in terms of lion and lamb. Characteristics like a lion- a mighty, powerful protector, combined with the meek, gentle spirit of a lamb.



Someone in the group discussion brought up Chronicles of Narnia, and the quote from the beaver that described Aslan- "Who said anything about safe? 'Course he isn't safe. But he's good. He's the King, I tell you."



Which of course reminded me of a song: Aslan, by Kendall Payne. Partial lyrics are below.



A frightening lion, no doubt
He's not safe, no he's not safe...
He won't say the words you wish that he would
Oh, he don't do the deeds you know that He could
He won't think the thoughts you think He should
But He is good, He is good

winn-dixie.

across the street from the hotel we have a winn-dixie. i go there once in awhile since the closest wal-mart's about 15 minutes away. last night a few of us were buying some groceries. my roommate Beth was wondering how much her grapes would cost. you know you're spending all of your time in class and doing homework when you compare the weight of the grape bag to your Systematic Theology text (I was right- the grapes were about 3.5 lbs).

we got to the checkout line and Josh, the checker, asked us what we learned that day in class (automatically assuming we were from the crusade group. kinda funny when people do that). we explained that we were working on projects about the nature and definition of various attributes of God. he nodded as he scanned our items. when we finished, he mentioned that he meets people every day from the crusade group across the street, so he asks each of them what their favorite account from the Bible is. the other girl with us described the basic story of hosea and why she liked that book. i had just spent the last 10 hours in front of commentaries and scripture, yet i honestly couldn't come up with anything worth sharing.

when asked about his favorite story, he said the account of Hannah and Samuel; She prayed for something from God that she really wanted, and when she received it, she gave it right back to Him. what a cool thing to hear from the last person I expected to.

doctrine.

My brain is mush. My left eye won't stop twitching, and I have a sinus infection. My first project is due on Friday, and it's starting to stress me out (a little).



But, despite the long hours in class and even longer hours paging through Scripture and Grudem's Systematic Theology, I have so enjoyed learning. I have never really had the desire to talk about or learn about apologetics, theology, doctrine- all those words that just sound so heavy with dullness. We've been tearing apart Campus Crusade's statement of faith on many many levels, which has been surprisingly interesting. I'm glad I'm learning about this now. I'm sure I'll have to church shop several times in my life; now I will actually be able to understand (hopefully!) those wordy statements that comprise church doctrine.



While I've been taking everything in on a head-level, it's really not getting anywhere on the heart-level. This has been discouraging, which I guess is an ok reaction. I'm sure I'll come to a point where something I'm learning will hit me where it matters most. I'm excited to see what that is and can't wait for it to happen. Pray for that, if you'd like.



Enough for now.

this day in history.

October 13th - I was on my way home from visiting Meghan in Rapid.
November 13th - I had a staff interview with Crusade.
December 13th - I graduated from USD!
January 13th - I am writing this blog :)

Going to Rapid in October and helping Meghan move some stuff into her apartment with Lys gave me a really good picture of life after graduation and what that entails.

Today after class, I met with the Crusade staff member that gave me my staff interview- at that time, I told him I was 50/50 on the decision to go on staff or not. All semester, I had been preparing myself for the job search that would ensue once I graduated. One thing I knew I wouldn't do was attend grad school, at least not for several years. And when I did, I'd get a masters in Admin Studies, or Industrial/Org Psych or something.

So, it's kind of weird to be in Daytona, deep in homework from graduate level theology classes, wondering if I can do this. Though I second guess my actions and thoughts (a lot), this does feel right (but I don't think that just because it feels right I should do it; I've done things that I didn't feel 'right' about but did them anyway and looking back, they were 'right'). But, in the sense that I never imagined this for my life, it feels as right as it should, I suppose.

The following is a paragraph from a talk I gave at the last Cru meeting of my undergrad career [which can also be found in my support letter, if you've received one]-

I've been thinking and praying about my future since I began college, knowing that I'd someday have to make a decision about where I want to end up. I didn't know how hard the decision would be. Since I was young, I've desired to work for a large organization, in a meaningful job that really impact lives (and that allows me to travel)! I think God placed that desire in me for specific reasons, and I am seeking to fulfill this desire upon graduation.

So the transition between being a student with friends in Verm, to thinking about going on staff and interviewing, to walking through graduation and preparing to leave Verm, to coming on staff, to being here...has been kind of weird.

studying.

Today, we started class.

From 8-10 we have Intro to Christian Doctrine- straight lecture, taught by Alan Scholes (who actually wrote most of the books we have to read for the class...). From 1030-1230 we have Bible Study Methods, which is some lecture, some small group learning. They warned us to take class seriously and start the homework right away.

So, after we ate lunch, we went to Wal-Mart to do some grocery shopping, and finally started our homework at 3. It's now 10:56pm and I'm finally done! I think this is the longest time I've ever spent sitting in one room studying. That whole "1-2 hours for every hour in class" rule actually applied for once.

Needless to say, I'm not ever skipping class.

evangelism.

Last week we had the chance to go sharing on the campus of Bethune-Cookman University. My roommate Lauren and I were able to do two Quest surveys and use the Soularium cards. When asked if she'd every experienced God before, Claniese, a sophomore pre-med major, said she definitely had. She explained that she tore her ACL and miniscus during her senior year of high school, but prayed, fasted (and trained hard, I'm sure), and was able to come back and earn a full-ride scholarship at BCU, where she plays now. Didn't really expect that answer! Three women from our life group were able to meet some sorority girls and did Soularium with the VP and another girl; they commented that they would love to use the Soularium cards with all of their sorority girls over the weekend, so one of the staff members gave them her kit. I'm excited to see if they were able to go back and visit them over the weekend (BCU's about 10-15 minutes from our hotel).

Saturday we had the whole day off; my roommate Lauren and I were hanging out with some friends and we decided to go get some pizza from the place across the street (I made sure that everyone said their favorite kind before I cast my vote! :) haha). Since it was so close we just walked over, ordered the pizza and decided to wait for it. In the meantime we chatted with each other and made small talk with one of the workers, Sue. There were no other customers in the place so she had a book sitting out about politics and religion. We started asking her about it, and she explained it a little. She commented that she was a born-again Christian. Ryan asked her what she meant by that, how she came to that decision and where she was at now. She explained that she had some family problems in the last year and was at the end of her rope, but she didn't sound totally certain of her faith. Ryan started to share the Gospel, and she asked us what we were doing there. When she found out we were missionaries she asked if we had any brochures about faith! We gave her a KGP and Satisfied booklet, and she told us to come back any time and chat with her.

History.

Last night we heard from Vonette Bright, co-founder of Campus Crusade for Christ. She is adorable. To hear her speak of Dr. Bright's heart for ministry and the Lord and college students was pretty cool. She told the story of how they met, and how he pursued her and won her over. I met her afterward and got a photo with her- I felt not even worthy to get a picture with her, but had to remember she's a fellow servant of Christ.

the world.

So far, the people I've met here are pretty amazing. A lot of the new staff STINTed somewhere the past few years and have a lot of stories (with Campus Crusade, you can do a year-long Short-Term INTernship (STINT) in many countries around the world). To hear about life in Lebanon, Bosnia, Russia, Chile, New Zealand, Thailand and Kryghystan (i don't even know where that is), is so very interesting! You can read that the Gospel is for all nations in the Bible, but it's really encouraging to see that people really are taking Jesus everywhere. And here I am, going to be in an airconditioned office in a metro-ish city with internet and computer access...yet it's an important job. To see the different areas of ministry that occur within the realm of Campus Crusade is really eye-opening.

the first real day!

I'm going to try to be honest on this blog; today I woke up and wanted to get as far away from Crusade and the El Caribe as possible. It was the first real day, so obviously I was incredibly nervous, as I'm a nervous wreck whenever I start something new (and even in day-to-day activities I am generally nervous, for no real reason. But I digress). My main concern/thought was "Why am I here? Why did I decide to do this? What was I THINKING!? I can't do this."

At the moment, Phillipians 4:6-7 enters my mind and sums up my feelings after the first real day of New Staff Training. I in no way understand everything I heard today, but I feel very at peace. God's given me specific desires, skills and passions in my life. I need to use them to glorfy Him the best way I know how. At this moment in my life, I am believing God that the best thing for me to do is join staff. I'm sure more doubts will come in the coming weeks/months/years (possibly even hours), but for now I rest in Him. I will be still, and know that He is God.

I want to write more but I need some sleep...tomorrow will have to do.

Ames

New Staff Training!

I finally made it to Florida after 12 hours of travel! I spent Monday night in Omaha at Dan & Courtney's (college friends)- my friend Nici drove me down. It was fun to see them! They took me to the Omaha airport at 430am Tues Jan 6 to catch my 630am flight to Memphis. Once everyone boarded the plane they realized they had a computer malfunction and had to shut everything down. So we sat on the runway in total darkness for a few minutes, then they booted the plane back up and we were off!

I had an hour layover in Memphis- just enough time to stretch my legs and grab some bacon & eggs for breakfast. I caught my next flight at 920am to Orlando, which landed at noon after a very bumpy ride. I slept most of the way despite the turbulence. Once I got my baggage I made my way to the shuttle station and had to wait 45 minutes to board my van to take me to Daytona Beach. For the next 2 hours I sat next to a 79 year-old grandmother named Silver who was returning from visiting family in Vermont. She complained about the weather there, and I sympathized with her. Other topics of conversations included the reasons why Daytona Beach was not a real great city, and the tradegy of John Travolta's son's death (he apparently lives in the area).

Oddly enough, there was a guy in my van who was from Sacremento who was heading to staff training in Daytona. He grew up in California but his dad is from Pipestone, MN and has family in Luverne, Sioux Falls and surrounding areas. Small world!

My roommates are great- they are from Kentucky, South Carolina and Pennsylvania. They are all going into different areas of Campus Crusade ministry- Athletes in Action, Bridges and Campus Ministry, so I'm excited to get to know em better.

More later! Good night for now :)

Ames

before & after.

I said you gotta leave, you gotta promise me
It’s the beginning of my end, you gotta promise me
How can a holy God renew a wicked Pharisee I’m saying
I’m like Peter in the boat, so just depart from me
It seems I’m destined for doom like ancient prophesy
And in the dark I’m consumed, it’s just too much for me
With sin in full bloom, my gloom booms by the full moon
And I’m thinking to myself, ‘how can You rescue me?’

My before and after
I can’t but sing
My before and after
I’ll sing praises to my King
My before and after
Here’s the anthem, let it ring
One love, two arms, three scars
Draw us to where You are
No one is too far for You to save a heart

Then in the darkness of this room, You snuck up next to me
You put your hand upon my wound and whispered ‘rest in me’
And there I stepped out of the tomb and into destiny
The rest they say is history
Your grace is such a mystery

before and after//jimmy needham