At the end of the day, it's just me. As I lay in bed at night, I sometimes wonder if I'm doing the right thing. I'm alone with my thoughts -- I replay the day in my head, wondering if I said or did the right thing, if anyone really knows me and if the day I just lived had any worth other than gaining knowledge, learning, growing, having fun.
Old friends aren't here, my family isn't here, my college friends aren't here. It's just me and God-- and I'm glad because now is when I'm most real-- with Him and myself. No one else around to act for or worry about. Every day, life gets a little more serious, and it's so easy to downplay or complain about or ignore.
And the real thing is, I want change. Who doesn't, at least of some sort? Isn't it human nature to want what we don't have, what others have, what we can't have? But we take what we get, and try to find the good in it, and whether we do or don't I guess depends on the demeanor of the person.
But I asked for it. I specifically asked for change, I ask a lot and then I receive a lot and I don't realize God is just being fair, and giving me what I ask. And then sometimes I am a jerk and complain about it, when He's giving me what is actually good for me, and what I secretly do want.
And sometimes I find myself wanting life to be hard. Because when things get hard, I finally get serious. When life is 'normal' and predictable, I slack. I slack a lot, and have been recently. Bring on the hard stuff. Because it's time life got serious and I'm not going to ignore it or downplay it any more. At least I'm going to try to tackle it and do the best I can, by the grace of God. I don't want a 'normal' life. Give me a challenge that will draw out my weaknesses. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
0 comments:
Post a Comment