the future.

so i know this has come up in basically every post from the past weeks... months...ok all year. but it's been on my mind every day, so that's why I blog about it -- especially because I obsess about it so much that people don't want to hear about it anymore, which is totally understandable.

ANYWAY, ever since Fall Retreat this year (moreso since the middle of summer project) I have been considering my different options after graduation. and it's scary for me to think about because I absolutely LOVE where I am at right now! I am sure by the time that day comes, I'll be ok with moving on, hopefully I'll be reading and wanting to move on.

Really recently I have been thinking about the specific steps I am taking towards my future, and where I could possibly end up after graduation based on what I am doing this year in college.

And that scared me all last semester because I realized I wasn't doing much of anything! Don't get me wrong -- I do stuff. I do a LOT of stuff including a full class load and many extracurriculars, as well as church responsibilities. So I do a lot, but nothing that could help me get my foot in the door for a job after college.

The problem was I just didn't have a passion for one specific thing, esp in the business world. I often get discouraged by others in the b-school at USD because they seem so money hungry no-ethics-success-driven already. And that totally turns me off of everything in the business field.

So this has all been on my mind for 6 months. Literally, not a day goes by I don't think about the future. The main (and probably only) reason it scared me because I had no passion for anything except the stuff I've been learning about and doing with Campus Crusade. And that's fine -- I will totally go on staff if that's what God wants. And that decision is another post in itself.

Back to my life. So I do stuff with crusade, cool. So, after this summer of amazing project adventures in which I spiritually grew the most in 10 weeks than I think I did the 2 years I had been a Christian up to that point, I finally became ok, even excited, about the fact that maybe someday I would just go on staff. I really think that might be where I end up.

But what if I don't? THAT was the question that's been so hard to deal with recently. I can trust God that he knows what I'm supposed to do directly out of college, but I still need to take steps towards a goal. Because what if I just kept on with Crusade and then that wasn't the plan after graduation?? Then I invested so much time in something that is worth it, but I don't have any idea what to do with my life.

Here enters in HR. Human Resources. I never thought I would be a good manager of people, etc -- I am better with computers and math, which is why accounting attracted me right away. I can do numbers, not people. But that's why HR Management is so great for me -- because I NEED to learn about it bc I don't know a thing about it!

I can be a very behind-the-scenes person sometimes, which is why HR is perfect for me. hold that thought. wow, this is a really long post. I will finish tomorrow.

21.

It is the eve of the anniversary of my birth- 21 years on this crazy earth. Hey, that rhymes. I totally didn't plan that. Anyway, today was a weird day. It was good and I got a lot done but I spent a few moments in a wistful state of mind. I am really excited for the future. I get hung up on the little things once in awhile, but I have some good friends to keep me in check. I knew life would be full of ups and downs - I never thought they would all happen in one day! But I'm young I'm single and I'm now an 'adult.' Therefore life is good. :]

e-mail.

I really think God should use e-mail. How sweet would that be? If you know me but at all, you know that I heart e-mail very much. Every time I log on to my USD account, (which is seriously once an hour on average), I hope to see tons of e-mail, from random people and friends and even stuff from the University!! One time I logged on and I had 9 e-mails. That's awesome. I do not, however, like spam e-mail. Not cool, just annoying.

I think it would be awesome if God used e-mail. To log on once in awhile throughout your day and see a new message all bolded and at the top of the pile: From= God. Subject= your day. "Amy. This is God. I know you are stressing out right now about your Legal exam in a week, but don't worry! You will have time to study, I'll make sure of that. If you take advantage of the time you will have and are serious about succeeding, you will. I Love You! --God."

Yep that'd be awesome. In my mind I think the best part about it would be that God would talk to me more than he does now, which I feel like is zero most of the time. But really it's my deal not His to hear his voice. I don't spend as much time reading my Bible and sitting in silence and praying as I should. But I still think it would be sweet if God used e-mail.

life. (now that's specific ...)

today was good. i don't usually 'journal' my days' events on this blog but tonight i want to. today was a good day. i knew it would be a long one as we were out the door by 830am, coffee in hand, bookbags packed with homework (at least mine was).

After dropping jules off at Hillside, where she was helping in the nursery before church, megs, lys and i went to the HyV for a breakfast bagel, which was aMAZING. Then it was back to church where megs and i watched the kids during the service -- which was actually pretty fun. Maybe i am not so bad w/kids after all.

By the end of church, I was hungry again -- jules and i sped off to subway once jordan dropped us off at her car. Then it was onwards to the library for a few hours of studying. Megs picked me up around 3 and we proceeded to take a nap (aMAZING) at the newman center, pick up supper and such at Wal-Mart and head back to church.

Lasagna went in the oven, and after a 1/2 hour of unsuccessful songwriting, I talked with Leanna for a 1/2 hour until the food was ready. We ate and chatted, then got ready for Vespers. An hour of solid practice and we were ready to go. Candles were lit (for effect) and about 805 we started. We were blowing out candles and packing up by 9. Home by 930 with Lys. Made brownies for the Miss America Pageant Party for Cru tomorrow. Talked a bit with the roommies, mom, and megs. Checked the e-mail and got my stuff ready to do it all over again tomorrow, after a good 7 hours of sleep.

That's a 'normal' day for me- spending more time asleep at the Farmhouse than I do awake. More time driving than reading my Bible. Honestly, this is a really challenging lifestyle. I have never had a greater test of patience, self-lessness, love, grace -- ever. First semester here was tough. Very. But I am conquering. Life is not dragging me down. And for some reason, this lifestyle is fun at times. There is probably something I should be learning from all this. Maybe someday I will be shown the reason for me being a part of this house for two years.

hide & seek

Never been much good on my own
So I'm tryin' to find somebody else
Never been good at findin' much except
Loneliness all by myself
Spottin' you ain't been easy
I could use one hint maybe two
Cause I got this spot right beside me baby
Waiting here just for you

So you go hide
And I'll come seek
Maybe someday in the middle
We just might meet
Cause I'm counting to a hundred
And I promise I won't peek
As you go hide
And I come seek

How much longer will this game go on
I guess only time will tell
I hate to hear that you're all alone
Overlooked in search of someone else

So you go hide
And I'll come seek
Maybe someday in the middle
We just might meet
Cause I'm counting to a hundred
And I promise I won't peek
As you go hide
And I come seek

Please show your face
Because I want you to be it...yeah
I want you to be it
counting to 100//matt wertz

greed.

In legal today we watched a video on Greed in America and it was super interesting. Of course we had an in-class quiz about it--ethics, profit, legality and such. One question said 'Is greed in America bad? To which many people would probably say 'yes of course--hello, greed, corporate evilness, poor ethics, etc. Greed = Bad.' But John Stossel is a smart guy, and throughout the video he made several good points:

"Greed motivates most of us to work harder, to innovate, and to cooperate with each other. More importantly, it motivates those few creative geniuses among us, on whom everything else depends, to bring to life the new ideas that move the whole world forward." I definitely could not have said it better myself. But how can you justify having 100 million dollar homes when many people have no home? True, that's an issue. But can you say that those with expensive homes and billions of dollars are getting a bigger piece of the economic pie? It doesn't really work to say that because person A gets more of the pie, persons B and C are going to get less.

Objectivist philosopher David Kelley said this. "Because greedy people get rich, they appear to be getting a bigger piece of the economic pie at the expense of everyone else. What is missing from that perception is that greedy people make whole new pies--including products that never existed before, like high-speed computers and lifesaving medical treatments."

So logically it's good for me to be selfish? That's a scary thought. But I see their point.

learning, growing, things of that nature.

I have been thinking a lot about the way people grow and change over a period of time, and who we come into contact with and for how long and why. It's kind of crazy. You might meet a person one day and only talk with them for a minute and never see them again, but they could teach you something you needed to learn at that point in your life.

It reminds me of that cheesy graduation motto so many high school use: "Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Others stay for awhile, leave footprints on our hearts and we are never quite the same." Very cheesy. But it's true, as sometimes cheesy things turn out to be. I am tired now. More on this later, I'm sure.