brazil. brazil? uh, yeah. Brazil!

that's right, I found out monday I have officially been accepted on the 2007 Brazil Summer Project. woohoo! I am SO VERY pumped. No doubt in my mind this is going to be an amazing experience. Thus begins the process of getting ready to go ... aka support raising. I had much success last summer for Medora - God is so faithful. I am excited to see how He will provide for me this summer!

Holy cow. I'm going to Brazil.

legal.

Right now in Legal Environment of Business we are learning about contracts-- what makes them valid, enforceable, the different types, etc. Here is a sentence from the chapter of my text book ...

"The promise given by the

promisor (offeror) must induce

the promisee (offeree) to offer a

return promise, a performance,

or a forbearance, and the

promisee's promise, performance,

or forbearance must induce the

promisor to make the promise."

Wonderful. I'm just glad I actually understand what that means. This class has definitely been my toughest class thus far and I'm pretty sure I don't even want to think about the final. But I think I like it.

you want random, you got it.

At the end of the day, it's just me. As I lay in bed at night, I sometimes wonder if I'm doing the right thing. I'm alone with my thoughts -- I replay the day in my head, wondering if I said or did the right thing, if anyone really knows me and if the day I just lived had any worth other than gaining knowledge, learning, growing, having fun.

Old friends aren't here, my family isn't here, my college friends aren't here. It's just me and God-- and I'm glad because now is when I'm most real-- with Him and myself. No one else around to act for or worry about. Every day, life gets a little more serious, and it's so easy to downplay or complain about or ignore.

And the real thing is, I want change. Who doesn't, at least of some sort? Isn't it human nature to want what we don't have, what others have, what we can't have? But we take what we get, and try to find the good in it, and whether we do or don't I guess depends on the demeanor of the person.

But I asked for it. I specifically asked for change, I ask a lot and then I receive a lot and I don't realize God is just being fair, and giving me what I ask. And then sometimes I am a jerk and complain about it, when He's giving me what is actually good for me, and what I secretly do want.

And sometimes I find myself wanting life to be hard. Because when things get hard, I finally get serious. When life is 'normal' and predictable, I slack. I slack a lot, and have been recently. Bring on the hard stuff. Because it's time life got serious and I'm not going to ignore it or downplay it any more. At least I'm going to try to tackle it and do the best I can, by the grace of God. I don't want a 'normal' life. Give me a challenge that will draw out my weaknesses. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

a pretty cool song.

All the chisels I've dulled carving idols of stone
That have crumbled like sand 'neath the waves.
I've recklessly built all my dreams in the sand
Just to watch them all wash away.

All the pennies I've wasted in my wishing well
I have thrown like stones to the sea.
I have cast my lots, dropped my guard,
Searched aimlessly for a faith to be faithful to me.

Through another day, another trial,
Another chance to reconcile,
To one who sees past all I see.
And reaching out my weary hand
I pray that you'd understand.
You're the only one who's faithful to me.

Jennifer Knapp//Faithful to Me

Interaction.

I just want to use the beginning of this post to profess my love for The Office. It's so great! Jim and Pam are so cute. And the things that come out of Michael's mouth...hilarious! And then there is Dwight. Yeah. Enough said about Dwight.

Some might call this newfound love for a silly documentary-style TV Show an obession. I call it filling 20 minutes with humor, because there isn't anything else to do. Had I known that no one would be home tonight I probably would not be sitting here watching TV online. I really am in need of some human interaction. If it were any earlier I would call someone or go hang with the heckathorn's.

I wish my days were a bit more balanced. For example. Thursdays are just crazy. Usually after Cru I can't handle any more people -- I like to just go home and veg out for 1/2 hour before working on homework or going to bed. And it's not because of the people, Thursdays are busy and stressful and it's nice to be by myself for awhile.

Good thing tomorrow is Sunday! I will at least be able to see some people at church and then Vespers. Ahh Vespers. So good.

uber long post.

I have been learning a lot this semester, and this year especially. At first junior year was really hard for various reasons, but I've been getting the hang of things lately, of which I am kind of proud of myself for.

Friends are pretty darn important in my life. And I have some great ones. But I've been putting waaay too much trust in them in place of trusting in the Lord.

What does that look like? As much as my friends love me, they can't do everything I want them to, or say all the right things. Not that they say mean hurtful things to me, which they totally don't, and they won't try to hurt me, but eventually they will. This is tough because they are so great and I love them so much. When I first came to college, I suddenly had a group of friends unlike any I had ever found. But I would put so much trust & hope in them, that I would just ignore it when they would let me down. Maybe that's where my passivity comes from. Is passivity a word? [I never thought of that until I wrote it. Which is why I love blogging].

But I think that totally makes sense - if I was looking for love and attention in the wrong places, of course when I got it I would do anything to keep it, such as just giving in all the time, etc.

And it really sucks when friends let you down. Maybe I just have unreasonable expectations sometimes (which I have for myself...and yeah actually I probably have them as much for me as I do others). But there is a balance, too. While sometimes I might have unreasonable expectations for my friends, sometimes they just don't hold up their end of the deal.

Enter Grace. Grace is tricky, because if you can have a stock pile of it, doesn't matter what happens in your friendships because you can treat people & situations with grace instead of being resentful, jealous, etc. If you think about it, you can probably tell when grace falls out of a relationship. Looking at my life, I can definitely see that happening in certain areas.

It's crazy how friendships change & evolve over time. People change. I personally am becoming way more independent than in high school, even since freshman year, which is very good for me.

It's funny how much I've been changing lately. If a friend would say something to me that turned out to be hurtful, in the past I would probably just shrug it off, ignore it, secretly being bitter/resentful inside but not showing it on the outside, as I just wanted to keep the friendship as is.

This year that stuff I would hide/ignore, like resentment and bitter feelings, has risen closer to the surface. Scary, because my temper has really been in control lately. But obviously it's not good or even necessary for me to be all bitter towards people. I think that's a natural step for me to take towards learning how to appropriately deal with disappointment and hurt.

WOW! That was an uber long post. And that shall be it's name.

not this time.

finishing that previous post (and there was much more i could have added) seems pretty silly now as I didn't get the amazing, perfect job. or what i thought would have been that amazing, perfect job. guess not! hard not to be bitter right now. it just SEEMED so perfect. the timing was right on- both in the semester, and in my years in college. tons of thoughts are running thru my mind...

first, why didn't i get the job? my tests were good, the interview went decently. of course I had the thought that they possibly didn't hire me because i wouldn't be able to work 6 weeks this summer as I would be in brazil (hopefully). i can't see that as a possibility, but i guess i will not ever know.

i know i should be happy that God has an ultimate plan and for some reason, this wasn't in it for me. and i'm so thankful to God for giving me all he has this year and in my life, especially since college. honestly, these last 2 years have been the best of my life. in the grand scheme of things, my life is pretty great and i don't have a lot to worry about. i shouldn't worry about any of it, but i'm human and flawed, and I'm amy, worry is like my middle name. you're reading about the life of a girl that has never had fingernails longer than 1cm. (seriously).

ugh. i can't believe how crappy this feels. and how hard it is to not get what you want. I've not gotten my way plenty of times before, and it's never been like this.

and even as I sit here, thinking about how up in the air my immediate future is (how to pay rent for the rest of the semester, what to do with my summer after brazil, am I even going to brazil?), I have to believe that God will get me thru it somehow, in some way. he didn't give me what I thought I deserved/was His will/was best for me. but he'll give me that which I need, not want. and i can't imagine life without him.

God is sovereign. He loves me. He is good. God is very, very good to me.