scratch

I've said it once, I'll say it again = Kendall Payne ROCKS.
here are a few bits and pieces of her song 'scratch' --

You can't dream when you can't sleep.
This is my problem. Not literally, of course, because in fact last night I had a dream -- I was filling my car up with gas but instead of putting it in the gas tank I was filling the muffer. Weird. Anyway, what I mean is that I am busy trying to focus on the sleep part (class, jobs, to-do lists--the normal routine stuff I have to do everyday) that I miss the dream part.

It's a big girl world now, full of big girl things.
And everyday I wish I was small.
This has been a reoccuring theme of my life the past few months now. Actually sums up my junior year pretty well, so far. 'Nuff said.

I used to think I was special, and only I have proved me wrong.
I get down on myself a lot, (crazy, I know). And it's true, sometimes I can really suck at life. But no way is it ever others' faults for my crappy view of life, or low self-esteem. The only person that I come in contact with enough to make even a small difference in my disposition is in fact me.

growing up.

We have had guests here and classes for most of the past ten days, so I have been slightly too busy to post at least a little something here.

Basically I have been thinking a lot, which is seldom good. One of Kendall Payne's songs "Scratch" has been stuck in my head for about two weeks, without me really knowing it= "Its a big girl world now, full of big girl things."

Until I spoke about 'growing up' at Cru last night. It was a good subject, but in hindsight it's ironic I was telling others how we can grow up in the likeness of God when I really don't want to. At times I can't wait to see where God will take me in the next two years, let alone the rest of my life. Sometimes I think having such a long-term mind is not a good thing. Meh. But it is a big girl world now. And I'm only almost 21. I have (hopefully) 3/4 of my life yet to come. And the past two years have been the best of my life. I have grown so much in my faith-- first realizing that my faith was based on rules and regulations and liturgy learned in church. And learning about my true purpose in life has been pretty awesome, along with finding out that life doesn't have to be so gray - I can stand on one side or another and know that I am on the right side, and know that I am going to heaven no matter what happens in this life.

So I still have a lot of growing up to do, I guess, but I know that no matter where I go or what I do, I will always have thing that is dearest to me, a relationship with Christ.

progress.

It's really cool to see how much I change as weeks, even days go by. I've been thinking about Brazil a lot and I have been questioning my heart and motives in going, fully knowing that I will not go if my heart isn't in the right place. But even tho I have doubted my feelings, I surprise myself when someone asks me about it or I tell people about my potential summer plans; I get really excited and feel like I need to explain the whole thing to them and tell them how much I want to go, etc. I had a random person express their interest in supporting me this summer, which was a definite surprise. I think, little by little, God is showing me that Brazil is the place for me this summer, and I need not worry about the finances and what will happen afterwards.

106,456,367,669.

I was talking with Alyssa last night about some random things and we ended up talking about heaven and how many people will be there. So I thought of all the people that have ever lived on this earth. We probably won't ever know for sure because so many people debate about how old the earth is, etc: BUT I found a website that gave a number: 106,456,367,669 have been born up to mid-2002. Isn't that crazy? 106 billion people.

arrows.

found this story on kendall payne's website guestbook:

"A friend of mine had this dream: He was running from something. He didn’t know what the ‘Something’ was, he just knew it was chasing him. And it was gaining on him. He wanted to turn around, but was too scared and couldn’t afford the wasted time. So he ran faster and faster, sweat pouring down his face, heart racing. Without warning, he felt an arrow pierce his back, it stung, he fell to the ground in agony. He knew his enemy had conquered him. Mustering all the courage he had inside him, he turned over to face his advisory. Nothing could have prepared him for the shock. It was Jesus who had been chasing him. At first my friend was angry with Jesus, but then he saw tears in Jesus’ eyes. Jesus helped him to his feet and they walked a few more steps, where my friend saw the cliff drop out from underneath him and a deadly ravine below. He knew he had been running straight for it, and it was Jesus who had saved him, by wounding him."

Maybe in heaven someday we will find out why God had to shoot us with arrows. I for one would love to know why I have been hit- several times by the same arrow it seems. On a random sidenote, Kendall Payne ROCKS. her songs are so good and easy to play on the guitar (double-cool in my book).

peace.

Another TCX has come and gone and God is faithful in teaching me a few lessons I needed to learn. I gained a lot of knowledge about heaven, eternity, judgment, our actions on earth, etc. One big thing I learned about was peace. Christ is the Prince of Peace, my King. I haven't really been resting in him and letting him be my peace. This past semester I have been worrying a lot about the future- this summer and when I graduate. Important events I need to be thinking about, but I’ve been wavering between just thinking about it some days and obsessively freaking out about it other days. I really wanted God to show me last week what He wanted me to do. A week later, I think I know what He wants, and I will pursue it, trusting He will give me what I need. The cool thing about it was God has brought me to a sense of peace. Even if I had 100% certainty about it, He still might change the plan. I’ve realized that and have put more of my trust in Him than ever before, which has really brought me a state of peacefulness.

James 3:18 says, “Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness.” My family doesn’t get along real well sometimes. I often become the peacemaker. For awhile I saw it as a burden, always being put in the middle, taking both sides of most issues to make everyone happy. I have finally realized that it’s not a burden- and I am glad to help out and keep the peace when I can. But I was thinking about telling my family about the possibility of going to Brazil this summer, and God showed me that so often I keep silent about Him around my family, like not sharing what he’s teaching me, just so I can keep the peace. I’ve been limiting His glory by just trying to keep the peace around the house.

western sodak

I just want to say I really like the black hills. gorgeous! reminds me of northern-ish MN. i could live here, definitely. or in northern MN, for sure. hopefully i will get to take a few pictures during my stay at the torbert's house. they are a pretty great family. and tomorrow we are going shopping - wahoo!