a sad observation.

why do I continually put my trust in things that never prove faithful? well, first, God is obviously the only thing that is going to be faithful to me no matter what. [of which i am so very thankful for!] good thing there is grace, because i never give him the trust he deserves to get from me.

and yet, there are so many things in my life that i trust in every day to be there for me, to make me happy, to give me unconditional love and happiness and security. and they always fail me in the end. it's human nature to trust in things seen and not unseen, even tho we should do the opposite (kind of talked about in matthew 6:28).

i have been trying something new- trying to climb outside of my life, and look at it from another perspective. and i've been successful. and what i see scares me. i put so much trust in so many things. family and money and grades and myself and my own plans. and my friends, wow. i have such amazing friends and am thankful for them every day. this week at discipleship we talked about stewardship and while my friends are not mine to own, the relationships i have with them need to be handled in a way that honors God.

and i have not been doing that.

this semester/year i feel like God has been grabbing onto them and pulling them away from me. there have been a few things that have developed, probably unnoticed to my friends but i see them, and i suppose it could be God's way of taking away the things i am loving more than him. a sad observation indeed. at least i have realized this and have the desire to change.

i am again finding comfort in the song 'faithful to me' by jennifer knapp ... 'i have searched endlessly for a faith to be faithful to me ... another day, another trial, another chance to reconcile ... and reaching out my weary hand i pray that you'd understand - you're the only one who's faithful to me. you're the only one who's faithful to me.'

the past and future weeks.

i have basically been trying to keep my head above the water these past few weeks. and not just with my schedule- it's been everything- class, work, moeny, crusade stuff, family stuff, group projects, money, SIFE stuff, support raising, homework, money, roommate stuff. maybe it's because i'm in a super good mood right now, but even though i am totally overwhelmed right now, it's so great to just sit back, and look at the bigger picture. these weeks are going to fly, so the precious moments like spending time w/ God at the river and giggling for an hour straight with the roommates is what's important. that stuff is truly keeping me sane right now.

i feel the need to express what an awesome week this has been ... things are really looking up, especially after a crappy last week and weekend. i have a shot at the dean's list, my family is doing well and supporting me pretty well concerning brasil, a professor i hold in high regard seriously complimented my work in class [i think she used the word brilliant....ok i'll stop]. it's so nice to see hard work pay off.

and i'm really enjoying where i'm at. the feeling of being content with what i have is something i struggle with, but only when i fall into the comparison trap. when i keep my eyes on christ and not on so called greener fields around me, i realize i have what i have because what i have is what i need. i joke a lot about being single and bitter about it, but i love where i'm at right now. wouldn't want a relationship...seems like it would really complicate a lot of things. it just might be the thing to push me over the edge...(just kidding).

this is such a great time in my life. i feel like i finally know how to handle certain situations, especially this thing called 'college.' the real world will come, and when it does i will do well- i will do very well, after it kicks my butt right away. but for now i am loving just sitting back and learning, about everything from microphones and magazine layouts to managing compensation plans and marketing movements.

but next week will come, along with three exams [two are finals]. this year soon ends, and it is bittersweet ... leaving friends, a roommate leaving the house, friends leaving USD, me leaving my legal class ... me leaving the country! big stuff. so glad i have the ability to see and somewhat understand the bigger picture.

grad school?

I swore I wouldn't go to grad school...but lately I've been thinking about it a bit more. I always assumed I would go, but after my freshman year of undergrad I found myself thinking...uh, NO THANKS. But USD seems to have a decent MBA program, and it would probably be a decent price... and I would need only like 11 classes or something like that, which isn't bad at all...but do I want to hang around here for another 1+ years? No...or do I? I kind of want to explore a whole new school, a new part of the country. Could I actually do it?? It would be a sweet test to just up and go to school somewhere else without any close friends...scares me a LOT, but honestly I think I might need a challenge like that to help me grow just in general.

seven weeks.

yep, only seven weeks until brazil! i am officially at 25% for support, no sign of my passport, don't really know much else. except i'm SO PUMPED! once these classes are over I will have time to focus on learning more portugeuese -- I only know a bit now, hopefully over break I will get time to listen to them.

march.

it seems a lot longer than a week ago that i wrote in here. it's been a crazy busy month, and it's only going to get busier. i am so ready for easter break! and it's really a break for me as i don't have class Thursday, Tuesday and we get Friday/Monday off. i wish i had something 'deeper' to write about in here, but i got nothing. thought i should at least post something, tho. and, april fool's day is coming up, so that's always exciting. i presently don't think any one is planning anything, but then again you never know. i could put someone's stapler in jello...that would be so great!!! maybe i will prank the farm house girlies....yes, i think so. :]

yard stick.

well it's been a crazy few weeks so far as project is concerned. i have met almost half the team going, which is pretty exciting. finances are crazy ... support raising is always interesting, but i finding that once again God is proving more faithful than i give him credit for, and has been using some interesting & surprising people to help me out. officially i am 13% there...over half way to the $1,000 mark which I should have by...oh, yeah, THIS Saturday...haha. probably not going to make it, but that's fine. i haven't gotten my passport yet, but i'm not really worried because i'm pretty positive i won't be getting it before the kickoff weekend in april. and even tho i started a new job i am finding that i can't work much. rent's due, and i have some debts that need to be paid back...so this whole money thing should be interesting. time to drop a notch lower on the 'living below my means' yard stick. it's been a very hard lesson for me to learn, and one which God is still teaching me, and probably forever will be.

random, very trivial thoughts.

just want to warn you that i am venting to my blog because i want to go to bed so i need to. i hate when i hear things i'm not supposed to. ugh. ouch. especially when it's not very nice, and it's sarcastic, and it points out my faults. what a boost to my confidence. and i never say anything because i don't have the guts, but i'll mull it over in my mind, coming up with all sorts of awesome (albiet mean) come-backs. and saying something might may it worse, but sometimes you have to. even if it makes it worse for awhile, it makes it better because you can get it out in the open and off your mind. ugh.

i have been noticing more and more in my daily life that grace plays a huge part in things. i am hope that i act with grace towards others, altho i know there are many a time when i don't. a lot of times i don't. and i don't pull my weight. that can be do to the fact that i have different standards than some, or i know i don't pull it and i'm trying my best. and sometimes it's due to the fact that i honestly don't realize i'm not pulling my weight.

so glad there is grace in this world. and forgiveness.